A Need for Nappies

What a wonderful few days we have both have. After Thursdays appointment, the utter turmoil pit I had been thrown into head first, along with The Beard, felt impossible to get out of. I could not shake the feeling of utter selfishness, and still am struggling now, but then came along our friends. One of the Witches of Eastwick, who I have mentioned previously and love all of them so much, took it into her hands and gave us the ultimate kick up the arse. She set up a donation page, to try to help us find the funds for another go. She kicked it off with a hearty donation and started the tears rolling for me again on Friday morning. This was something that had been mentioned to me so many times. It was something I was dead against. Me and my husband are not a charity, we should be able to do this ourselves. There are people out there needing so much more, they need it more than us. Then a very lovely lady, who I have not seen for years, but once used to dance with her in local villag...

So this morning we had our follow up appointment. I was nervous, been anxious all week. Worried about bringing it all up again and going through it all. I have come away realising I am not OK  I kinda knew that, but I have become very good at painting a smile on my face and hibernating, well I think that even I could give a bear some pointers. We arrived at the beautiful clinic about ten minutes before our appointment, we was told to wait in the lunch room, a beautiful big room, with the prettiest views and the most beautiful chandelier. I have been in this room many a times, it always calms me, I sit there looking around and telling myself to calm down, breath and keep it together. We was promptly then told to make our way upstairs. Off we went, and as we got to the doors to the ward, I suddenly felt a strong rush of tears welling up. The last time we was here it was excitement and nerves, today was so different. We headed upstairs and we was greeted by our new Dr. WHAT A WO...

So it has been a little over 2 weeks since the world seemed to stop spinning and the news was confirmed that this was not our time. 2 weeks, it seems like its been the longest drawn out 14+ days in existence, this I am struggling with. See I have been here before, I have dealt with it before, more than once. But I am not going to lie, this is hard. I am not sure if it is still a surge of all those hormones going through me, having no purpose at the moment or its just that this time, I really, hoped, wished and wanted it to be our time. I guess this is why I am writing. As I have said before, it helps. It helped me all through our journey and it is already helping now. Its been a shit couple of weeks, for various reasons, and about half an hour ago, the postman popped a letter through the letter box and there in black and white, the word FAILED! Its knocked me back a bit. I am not sure if it is because it made it all final, definite, not that I was ever hoping for a differ...

The last few days have been some what crazy. Ambulances, hospitals, positive tests then bad news. I did also go to The Zoo, the zoo was wonderful, and if anything made me smile this week, it was the zoo.  Because I will remember this week for the Zoo, not for all the shit.  It is with the saddest feeling in my stomach that I am writing this, but this was not our time. As I have said many times before, I write this to help me, to try to get all the feelings in my head out, because, anyone that knows me, knows I am a hot headed dick at times, but they also know I have a soft centre, a huge heart and right now it is breaking. Through this muddle, and this may come as a shock as I am a girl that likes to talk, I find it hard to say what I am thinking, so why I have been advised by a few to 'concentrate on me' 'forget the blog' but I cant. I need to get it out, I need to also let people know, as by choosing to be open about all this has reunited me with so many people wh...

They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger right? Well if that is the case, my super powers and my pants, leggings and cape surely must be out for delivery by now? Today marks one week down, one to go! Part of me can not quite believe that this week is over already and it was last Friday we had the transfer, it seems unbelievable that I am sitting here, writing this, with one week down. In answer to the question you are all thinking, no! I have not tested. I have stocked up, even though the hospital gave us 2 too bring home, I have never wanted to piss on a stick more than anything, but no, I  have been so good and not done so. There are a 2 reasons, and to put you all in the loop, here they are. 1. False Negative / Positives - This is a thing, this can happen. See if I tested to early,  I could show positive from the hormones inside me from the trigger jab. Now as much as I want a positive result,  I want one that means this little bearded beauty has st...

What a whirlwind week The Beard and I have had. All started Monday with the scan, being told the lining was looking good,  to then being told no more injections. We then got the call and Wednesday was the day for Collection. I spent Tuesday feeling pretty sick with nerves. This part of the procedure was the only thing I had googled as it was the only part that worried me. I really wish I had not, it sent my anxiety through the roof and made me feel like a walking bag of jellyfish, all wobbly and fully charged with sickness.  We arrived at hospital and we was taken straight through where I had to change into a sexy gown (I do not even know what sexy feels like) and the lovely nurse spoke to us about what was going to happen. This involved The Beard being issued paper work and his sample pot and myself being given drugs to make me wobbly, the biggest suppository I have ever seen and lube and gloves to go with said suppository. Least The Beard gets the hard task of Masturbat...

I think I am OK. I mean, I have cried lots today, but I have laughed and the fuzz is finally clearing. Maybe that is because today I found out that this evening is the last time I have to inject myself. It is very weird, all this time I have felt utter shit, I actually think, as it has become such a habit, I will miss them. Did I just say that? I think I did. So Friday we visited Bourne, they internally scanned me, which is always an uncomfortable process, but it is pretty cool having a little guided tour of your womb and ovaries. The nurse was lovely, as always and gave me a good look round my ovaries and took all the measurements of the follicles. She was very pleased with the way they were and the way my womb lining looked. I was advised to go home and continue with my dosage over the weekend and I would be rescanned today and hopefully my left ovary had found some energy and become less lazy and played catch up by then. The weekend hit us, Saturday I felt sickie and had a ...

Why do I write this? Why do I tell all and sundry how shit I am feeling? I do it because, believe it or not, it helps me. Writing down all the emotions I have been through and am constantly battling make a little more sense to me when I can get it out into words. It is not a 'oh woe is me; It is not a 'I am so hard done by, and if you think that, believe me, you do not know me at all, I love drama, I am the QUEEN of drama, but Not this. This is something I am dealing with because the end goal is to give me something I have always wanted and to make us a family. That is what keeps me going. Funny thing emotions, especially when you can not get them out exactly how they are in your head. I have spent the last 24 hours pretending everything is fine, everything is better, when in actual fact I have had the biggest knot in my stomach, the constant feeling of sickness and sheer disbelief at how many people come forward and offer support and love, those near to you, those you ...

Well this is fun! Said no one ever on this dose of drugs I am sure! Since I last wrote, I think I have experienced every form of emotion, every expression from horror to sheer delight has past my face and every possible thought has run through my mind a thousand times. But Here I am today, Wednesday, HUMP day and I may have been forced into being OK as The Beard is down with Man Flu.  Poor old boy, hardly makes a fuss, I mean that is clear that is my role in this Marriage, I nailed that early on in our relationship and he knows the score, but when he grumbled of a sore throat Monday evening, whilst I laid in a massive blanket of self pity and selfishness, I realised he must be feeling it to mention it. He had a restless sleep, I had very little, and he left for work at 5.30am and to be honest, he looked bloody awful, I couldn't get back to sleep, I was hell bent on getting out of the house yesterday, I mean the day before had been a wash out, I cried, I screamed, I broke down...

So it has been a mad week. Emotions running high, patience growing thinner by the minute, the feeling of sadness is constantly glued to my insides and all the while I am trying to stay focused on the greater good. I thought by now I would be feeling different, happier even. I have started the Gonal F injections, so now I have to stick myself in my fat belly with 2 big ass needles, but I thought it would start to perk me up. If anything, the last 2 days, I  have felt worse. Last Wednesday I left my job, my friends and my 9-5 sanity. Thursday I headed off with my pillow and snuggle blanket and sat in the back of a car for 7 hours as I travelled with The Beard and Big Brother to Glasgow for a funeral. The funeral was that of Uncle Davy. Uncle Davy was a true hero and legend of a man, a decorated war hero at 97 years old, we expected a small affair. Well we was wrong. 400 people, including 2 supporter busses from Celtic, being the oldest season ticket holder, he was well loved...

Sorry I have been quiet for a few days. It has been testing and miserable, and I just have kept myself to myself! Friday, I was off work, had a nice day planned, ended up doing none of it and being ill all day and night, joy. So that was a waste of a day’s holiday, although that is irrelevant now as it turns out tomorrow is my last day in my job anyway. I have been in my role a year and a bit, I love my job, love the guys I work with and I am going to be very sad to go, but I decided to take that option, as the stress and changes would not be right for my current, emotionally unstable mind and right now it is all about me and operation baby Leeke.  So Back to the weekend, Saturday was The Beautiful Niece Number one’s baby shower. An event planned for weeks, and one very much looking forward too, up till about Friday afternoon when the panic stated to set in.  I had the worst panic attack, over what I can only explain as nothing and yet it felt like everyth...

The misery continued, the spots grew, the sweating is immense and unbearable but today is not so bad. I didn’t  write yesterday because I had a really bad day, the worst so far and once again I didn’t want to write about it. Or relive it.   It has basically been so disgusting I have hid away at work and then driven straight home, barely remembering how I got there and hid away there.   The want of having a baby has always been in me, and only my nearest and dearest know just how much, I know to most I'm a crazy, happy person, often in a pub,behind the bar or in front of the bar, but all I ever wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother. To find out at 21 after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, this would be a struggle, |I felt empty. I was heart broken. Then to have another ectopic, then miscarriages, just a constant feel of utter uselessness. Then to go through such terrible hormones and periods every month, and not to even be able get the end resu...

I am literally counting the days down to when I can start bringing myself out of menopause. I figured being so hormonal, literally and having a high level, that I would be OK at this stage. This was/is not the case. I wake up opposite a huge mirror and immediately see my fat, spotty, sweaty self and the day starts bad. I have tried to paint my smile on, again literally, but it just is an utter waste of time. So instead for the first time ever, I have become ‘The Quiet’ one. I know right, that is a shock, a turn around, but it has happened.  It is far easier to sit miserably, keep myself to myself and that way people are safe, I am safe and I can try to process things. The day went fairly smoothly, I was tired, hot, my back was niggling and I was so miserable. No matter how many times I told myself it was my hormones niggling and not my head, I could not snap out of it. So, I plod on with my day, looking forward to my first reflexology treatment in the evening....

So! Fairly uneventful weekend, apart from sickness, mood swings, hating on life and many movies and being a superhero. Friday evening was lovely, after work I popped to love Muffins house, Love muffin is the sister of Penfold. She has 2 beautiful little babies and it was lovely to spend time with them. I had been explaining to her how I was struggling with injecting in my belly as it hurt and bruised me. She had previously told me that I could inject into my leg. I was worried about doing this without guidance, so I had my jab with me, and asked her to show me. Love muffin went one better, she bloody did it for me, with ease, no sting, no pain. Was this the way forward? I could not believe the difference. The Beard came over to meet me, as Did Penfold and Smithers and we had a lovely evening. Saturday I woke feeling, let me just open one eye and see…..OK.  I was finally seeing my Superhairwizardess today and getting my grey covered and hopefully, that would make me feel better...

Yesterday was absolutely, unbearably awful. It was the first and worst where I have felt so unexplainably miserable and negative. This frightened me, made me anxious and I had to try very, very hard to stay off google not frighten myself further.  After waking up feeling like I had not been to sleep at all, my skin in a massive spot breakout, my face puffy, I knew it was not going to be a fun day ahead.  I drove into work like a Zombie and walked in to the office, first in, instead of opening the blinds, I sat at my desk, alone and cried. Cried hard. I then saw someone approaching my office, I wiped my tears away and buried my head into my work. The day was challenging. I felt sick, I was freezing cold, I looked a mess and I felt I mess and did I mention that I was freezing cold? The lovely ‘Father Christmas’ who I sit next to at work gave me his super think, large cardigan he keeps on his chair and I cocooned myself up into and tried to ignore the lump in the back o...

Stop the world! I want to get off. Is what goes through my head approximately every half hour. When it is not I am OK, top of the world, well probably about 3/4 of the way up, but I am much happier there than in the bottomless pit of murky water I seem to constantly be treading over the last couple of days. I came back to work yesterday after the bank holiday, it was nice to be back in a routine, by routine I mean having reason to do things. Seeing happy faces I have come to love being around and generally not being in the green house crying over bath bombs. The day was OK, again very hit and miss emotions wise, I was not sure how I felt, even when I was feeling these things. I found myself walking around aimlessly at lunch calling the Beard and moaning, then getting off the phone and feeling sad that I just called him to moan. But back in the office, work and my co-workers kept me upbeat and OK.  Mid afternoon, my phone went off and it was a message from my BBF saying he wanted ...

The happiness remained, well i say remained, it came and went, but mainly stayed put, which was such a great feeling. I was, the first time in a long time, feeling like what imagined was 'normal' and I was loving it. We left our hotel on Sunday Morning, we had a very important BBQ to attend in the afternoon and everything was good. WE arrived home after a pit stop in Cambridge where The Beard effortlessly walked around a very quiet Primark with me, and I  was very much looking forward to getting to the BBQ and seeing some of my nearest and dearest. 'Got your jabs' I here the Beard ask.  As he spoke those words, I realised, I am going to have to take it all with me and do it out. Was I comfortable with this? Would I mess it up panicing? Suddenly lots of things to think about, but whilst my head was filling with all of these questions, I realised that I had packed up what i needed and already popped it into my bag. Off we went, collecting one of the WOE (Witches of East...