A Need for Nappies

Not the Easter Eggs I had in mind and shocking past 5 Days!  Let me set the scene, it’s been a while, which is a good thing, because recently I’ve been In a really good place, really good and have noticed the weeks flying past me, not the days dragging. It’s been quite enjoyable. Any way, this week that’s all changed and I have to do what I do best when flapping and that is shove it in a blog and get it out of my head! I am currently in hospital, its 4am and I am pretty sure I am still off my head on Morphine, becuse im sitting here writing this and havinf a 'lovely time' No one here is having a lovely time. My head is currently my enemy, so when this wears off and I get the update I can finish this, but here goes Monday my lovely foot wizardess arrived for my last round of fertility reflexology. We sat chatting away, like we always do and I can sense in her normal questions, seemed to be some new ones being asked and all pointing to one thing. Am I pregnant! For a

As February comes to a close in just a few days, I am trying my hardest to remain positive and believe that this year is our year. The Beard has started a new job, I’ve started to lose weight, exercise and make many changes to help us have the best shot of making our Little Leeke. It is just crazy that it was 6 months ago this week that I first injected myself and started the journey. Sunday I had my first bad day. I really hated being ‘baron’ I hated being a women, I hated be me, I hated The Beard and I hated life. But I snapped out of it as quick as I fell into it and realised I’m so ready to do this to achieve our dream. In the last six months I have learnt so much, things that I never thought my brain would have to comprehend, I’ve made new friends, I’ve lost “friends” and luckily I have the best relationship with my partner in crime, The Beard, my husband. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, well I think it is safe to say that we are proof in that pudding. A

So its been a while, which I take as a good thing, I mean as I have said time and time again, I feel the need to write when normally I am freaking out or feeling out of control. But recently I have felt good. I have come into this year positive, I have started to look forward as if we will reach our target and we will get another shot, because I have realised that positivity is KEY! Again, i would like to thank everyone who has donated supported us financially, and to everyone who has continued to support us both in ways we can never thank you enough. If, no sorry, positive remember, WHEN we go again, I hope to have all of you by side again, because each and every one of you helped me so much, especially in deciding to go again and that could get through it, what ever the outcome. I have started of the new year by trying to tweak my life style. Little changes here and there not to join the band of new years resolutions, but hopefully to prepare me if we get to have our second c

So January is nearly, nearly over and the last couple of weeks have probably been the best I have felt in about 6 months. I decided that this year I WAS going to have another go, one way or another we would fund it and I was going to be ready, mentally and physically. I was not sure how to go about this, but somehow I seem to have found my way and I am doing OK. I love a notebook, so with a beautiful new note book in front of me, with the prettiest cover, made for me by the wonderful 'Love Muffin' (she chose that blog name clearly not knowing me well enough that I would use it) I started investigating and planning. I decided to look at what I could do to prepare me, knowing what I know from round one, and soon I was writing down vitamins recommended, pills of loveliness that would make my eggs stronger and in just planning I started to feel my head clear and some calm come back into my life.  The one issue I felt that was stressing me out and causing me so much concern wa

Its been a while, and I am in the need of writing. Its been a few weeks of wonder and woe, but one thing I have taken from this past few week is that I am not OK, but I am better and I have found myself in a long time. I have planted my tiny feet perfectly back into my happy shoes and I am in my miserable pants less and less. This is a good step. A step that I thought, just a few weeks ago would be so far out of my reach that I would never feel my complete self again. But Thanks to my wonderful support group of a great Beard and a select close friends, I am now laughing more than I am crying, not losing my shit and trivial things, OK I may still do that sometimes, but I am working again, and not freaking out in crowds. So having started to realise that I am in my happy place more often than not, I have started to be really productive in the IVF round 2 planning, now nothing can happen till we reach our target of funds, currently not too far off, but with hard work, the wonder

What a wonderful few days we have both have. After Thursdays appointment, the utter turmoil pit I had been thrown into head first, along with The Beard, felt impossible to get out of. I could not shake the feeling of utter selfishness, and still am struggling now, but then came along our friends. One of the Witches of Eastwick, who I have mentioned previously and love all of them so much, took it into her hands and gave us the ultimate kick up the arse. She set up a donation page, to try to help us find the funds for another go. She kicked it off with a hearty donation and started the tears rolling for me again on Friday morning. This was something that had been mentioned to me so many times. It was something I was dead against. Me and my husband are not a charity, we should be able to do this ourselves. There are people out there needing so much more, they need it more than us. Then a very lovely lady, who I have not seen for years, but once used to dance with her in local villag

So this morning we had our follow up appointment. I was nervous, been anxious all week. Worried about bringing it all up again and going through it all. I have come away realising I am not OK  I kinda knew that, but I have become very good at painting a smile on my face and hibernating, well I think that even I could give a bear some pointers. We arrived at the beautiful clinic about ten minutes before our appointment, we was told to wait in the lunch room, a beautiful big room, with the prettiest views and the most beautiful chandelier. I have been in this room many a times, it always calms me, I sit there looking around and telling myself to calm down, breath and keep it together. We was promptly then told to make our way upstairs. Off we went, and as we got to the doors to the ward, I suddenly felt a strong rush of tears welling up. The last time we was here it was excitement and nerves, today was so different. We headed upstairs and we was greeted by our new Dr. WHAT A WONDER

So it has been a little over 2 weeks since the world seemed to stop spinning and the news was confirmed that this was not our time. 2 weeks, it seems like its been the longest drawn out 14+ days in existence, this I am struggling with. See I have been here before, I have dealt with it before, more than once. But I am not going to lie, this is hard. I am not sure if it is still a surge of all those hormones going through me, having no purpose at the moment or its just that this time, I really, hoped, wished and wanted it to be our time. I guess this is why I am writing. As I have said before, it helps. It helped me all through our journey and it is already helping now. Its been a shit couple of weeks, for various reasons, and about half an hour ago, the postman popped a letter through the letter box and there in black and white, the word FAILED! Its knocked me back a bit. I am not sure if it is because it made it all final, definite, not that I was ever hoping for a differ

They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger right? Well if that is the case, my super powers and my pants, leggings and cape surely must be out for delivery by now? Today marks one week down, one to go! Part of me can not quite believe that this week is over already and it was last Friday we had the transfer, it seems unbelievable that I am sitting here, writing this, with one week down. In answer to the question you are all thinking, no! I have not tested. I have stocked up, even though the hospital gave us 2 too bring home, I have never wanted to piss on a stick more than anything, but no, I  have been so good and not done so. There are a 2 reasons, and to put you all in the loop, here they are. 1. False Negative / Positives - This is a thing, this can happen. See if I tested to early,  I could show positive from the hormones inside me from the trigger jab. Now as much as I want a positive result,  I want one that means this little bearded beauty has stuck and decide

What a whirlwind week The Beard and I have had. All started Monday with the scan, being told the lining was looking good,  to then being told no more injections. We then got the call and Wednesday was the day for Collection. I spent Tuesday feeling pretty sick with nerves. This part of the procedure was the only thing I had googled as it was the only part that worried me. I really wish I had not, it sent my anxiety through the roof and made me feel like a walking bag of jellyfish, all wobbly and fully charged with sickness.  We arrived at hospital and we was taken straight through where I had to change into a sexy gown (I do not even know what sexy feels like) and the lovely nurse spoke to us about what was going to happen. This involved The Beard being issued paper work and his sample pot and myself being given drugs to make me wobbly, the biggest suppository I have ever seen and lube and gloves to go with said suppository. Least The Beard gets the hard task of Masturbation, sigh

I think I am OK. I mean, I have cried lots today, but I have laughed and the fuzz is finally clearing. Maybe that is because today I found out that this evening is the last time I have to inject myself. It is very weird, all this time I have felt utter shit, I actually think, as it has become such a habit, I will miss them. Did I just say that? I think I did. So Friday we visited Bourne, they internally scanned me, which is always an uncomfortable process, but it is pretty cool having a little guided tour of your womb and ovaries. The nurse was lovely, as always and gave me a good look round my ovaries and took all the measurements of the follicles. She was very pleased with the way they were and the way my womb lining looked. I was advised to go home and continue with my dosage over the weekend and I would be rescanned today and hopefully my left ovary had found some energy and become less lazy and played catch up by then. The weekend hit us, Saturday I felt sickie and had a

Well this is fun! Said no one ever on this dose of drugs I am sure! Since I last wrote, I think I have experienced every form of emotion, every expression from horror to sheer delight has past my face and every possible thought has run through my mind a thousand times. But Here I am today, Wednesday, HUMP day and I may have been forced into being OK as The Beard is down with Man Flu.  Poor old boy, hardly makes a fuss, I mean that is clear that is my role in this Marriage, I nailed that early on in our relationship and he knows the score, but when he grumbled of a sore throat Monday evening, whilst I laid in a massive blanket of self pity and selfishness, I realised he must be feeling it to mention it. He had a restless sleep, I had very little, and he left for work at 5.30am and to be honest, he looked bloody awful, I couldn't get back to sleep, I was hell bent on getting out of the house yesterday, I mean the day before had been a wash out, I cried, I screamed, I broke down

So it has been a mad week. Emotions running high, patience growing thinner by the minute, the feeling of sadness is constantly glued to my insides and all the while I am trying to stay focused on the greater good. I thought by now I would be feeling different, happier even. I have started the Gonal F injections, so now I have to stick myself in my fat belly with 2 big ass needles, but I thought it would start to perk me up. If anything, the last 2 days, I  have felt worse. Last Wednesday I left my job, my friends and my 9-5 sanity. Thursday I headed off with my pillow and snuggle blanket and sat in the back of a car for 7 hours as I travelled with The Beard and Big Brother to Glasgow for a funeral. The funeral was that of Uncle Davy. Uncle Davy was a true hero and legend of a man, a decorated war hero at 97 years old, we expected a small affair. Well we was wrong. 400 people, including 2 supporter busses from Celtic, being the oldest season ticket holder, he was well loved and

Sorry I have been quiet for a few days. It has been testing and miserable, and I just have kept myself to myself! Friday, I was off work, had a nice day planned, ended up doing none of it and being ill all day and night, joy. So that was a waste of a day’s holiday, although that is irrelevant now as it turns out tomorrow is my last day in my job anyway. I have been in my role a year and a bit, I love my job, love the guys I work with and I am going to be very sad to go, but I decided to take that option, as the stress and changes would not be right for my current, emotionally unstable mind and right now it is all about me and operation baby Leeke.  So Back to the weekend, Saturday was The Beautiful Niece Number one’s baby shower. An event planned for weeks, and one very much looking forward too, up till about Friday afternoon when the panic stated to set in.  I had the worst panic attack, over what I can only explain as nothing and yet it felt like everything. Anyw

The misery continued, the spots grew, the sweating is immense and unbearable but today is not so bad. I didn’t  write yesterday because I had a really bad day, the worst so far and once again I didn’t want to write about it. Or relive it.   It has basically been so disgusting I have hid away at work and then driven straight home, barely remembering how I got there and hid away there.   The want of having a baby has always been in me, and only my nearest and dearest know just how much, I know to most I'm a crazy, happy person, often in a pub,behind the bar or in front of the bar, but all I ever wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother. To find out at 21 after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, this would be a struggle, |I felt empty. I was heart broken. Then to have another ectopic, then miscarriages, just a constant feel of utter uselessness. Then to go through such terrible hormones and periods every month, and not to even be able get the end result that you go