A Need for Nappies

Yesterday was absolutely, unbearably awful. It was the first and worst where I have felt so unexplainably miserable and negative. This frightened me, made me anxious and I had to try very, very hard to stay off google not frighten myself further.  After waking up feeling like I had not been to sleep at all, my skin in a massive spot breakout, my face puffy, I knew it was not going to be a fun day ahead.  I drove into work like a Zombie and walked in to the office, first in, instead of opening the blinds, I sat at my desk, alone and cried. Cried hard. I then saw someone approaching my office, I wiped my tears away and buried my head into my work. The day was challenging. I felt sick, I was freezing cold, I looked a mess and I felt I mess and did I mention that I was freezing cold? The lovely ‘Father Christmas’ who I sit next to at work gave me his super think, large cardigan he keeps on his chair and I cocooned myself up into and tried to ignore the lump in the back o...

Stop the world! I want to get off. Is what goes through my head approximately every half hour. When it is not I am OK, top of the world, well probably about 3/4 of the way up, but I am much happier there than in the bottomless pit of murky water I seem to constantly be treading over the last couple of days. I came back to work yesterday after the bank holiday, it was nice to be back in a routine, by routine I mean having reason to do things. Seeing happy faces I have come to love being around and generally not being in the green house crying over bath bombs. The day was OK, again very hit and miss emotions wise, I was not sure how I felt, even when I was feeling these things. I found myself walking around aimlessly at lunch calling the Beard and moaning, then getting off the phone and feeling sad that I just called him to moan. But back in the office, work and my co-workers kept me upbeat and OK.  Mid afternoon, my phone went off and it was a message from my BBF saying he wanted ...

The happiness remained, well i say remained, it came and went, but mainly stayed put, which was such a great feeling. I was, the first time in a long time, feeling like what imagined was 'normal' and I was loving it. We left our hotel on Sunday Morning, we had a very important BBQ to attend in the afternoon and everything was good. WE arrived home after a pit stop in Cambridge where The Beard effortlessly walked around a very quiet Primark with me, and I  was very much looking forward to getting to the BBQ and seeing some of my nearest and dearest. 'Got your jabs' I here the Beard ask.  As he spoke those words, I realised, I am going to have to take it all with me and do it out. Was I comfortable with this? Would I mess it up panicing? Suddenly lots of things to think about, but whilst my head was filling with all of these questions, I realised that I had packed up what i needed and already popped it into my bag. Off we went, collecting one of the WOE (Witches of East...

What a bloody beaut of an August Bank Holiday, normally by this last 3 day weekend of the year, we are all moaning the shops are replacing the bikinis with bobble hats but at the same time, grateful they are doing so as the weather is shit, but what a nice change to have summer weather, on a summer weekend, the last summer weekend. When I say nice, I mean it is for all you sun lovers, normally I love it too, but I honestly feel that in the last 48 hours I have experienced what it is like to be that shit clay vase I  made in year 8 with Mr Heaton and by that I mean I am pretty sure I have been at a similar temperature of a Kiln. I am sure that to anyone that has seen me this weekend, I must of looked like I had just stepped out of the shower. I mean I have, many a times, as the shower has become my second home, but never have I looked and felt so Hot, and I aint talking about 'sexy hot' (what even is that?).  So let me tell you about my overheated...

Well!! Last night was exciting! When I say exciting, I mean absolutely terrifying. Let me start  from where I left off  previously.  The day had been actually OK, I was the happiest I had felt in a long time, I felt content and my face hurt from smiling, I have to say it had been a long time since I had felt that naturally. I was not sure if this was a good thing or a sign of an impending melt down, but I went with it.  I went to work, I did my work, I had lots of lovely well wishes and messages, and one little conversation in particular from one of my most favorite people in the world, Niece number 2. Niece number 2 has recently become a mother herself, and boy has she taken to it wonderfully, her little boy is absolutely gorgeous, as is she and her hot partner, (I can say that right?) but She contacted me saying my blog made her feel......sick! I immediately apologised, but bless her heart, she went on to explain that it was only because she wanted it to work so ...

After writing down my thoughts in my first ever blog, being advised by a wonderful, beautiful lady ( who has an ass Beyonce would envy) I posted said blog, and the response was over whelming.  I was a little worried that it would be seen as attention seeking, but then, those that know me would not be surprised by that, however, this was certainly not the case.  This to me, has been something I have been dealing with for the best part of the last 18 months, from when we was advised we 'qualified'. Such a blunt word for such a testing, trying time, to me, of course I qualified, well I felt I did and that's all I could think about.  I had been through 2 ectopics, one nearly killing me before I made it to 21, miscarriage after miscarriage, and all I wanted was what everyone else around me seemed to have so easily, but after realising my ignorance at such a subject, I felt many things. I felt lucky, scared and ever so overwhe...

So, after the last year of trips back and forth along the traffic fueled early morning A14, the day has finally arrived. The day of excitement, the day I actually wake up with a belly that advises me it is nervous for me, great! The day I have woken after a shite nights sleep of sweating like a hot dog in a over tight bun. Today is the day that The Beard and I embark on our  journey to become parents. I am honestly not sure why I  feel so terrified at the possibility of having something that we've longed for, for so long, I think maybe the fact my delicious Co-op trifles in the fridge have now been replaced by boxes and boxes of Follitropin Alfa and Vaginal gel. Maybe its the way that my beautiful vase that was once my late mothers pride and joy, has now been replaced with a sharps bin and endless packs of needles? Thinking about it, it may well be that indeed, I mean having recently watched Trainspotting again, the images I have after administering my first injection, to my...