It is OK to not be OK but This Year I Will Be More Than Ok... I Hope. Positive pants on!







Its been a while, and I am in the need of writing. Its been a few weeks of wonder and woe, but one thing I have taken from this past few week is that I am not OK, but I am better and I have found myself in a long time. I have planted my tiny feet perfectly back into my happy shoes and I am in my miserable pants less and less. This is a good step. A step that I thought, just a few weeks ago would be so far out of my reach that I would never feel my complete self again. But Thanks to my wonderful support group of a great Beard and a select close friends, I am now laughing more than I am crying, not losing my shit and trivial things, OK I may still do that sometimes, but I am working again, and not freaking out in crowds.

So having started to realise that I am in my happy place more often than not, I have started to be really productive in the IVF round 2 planning, now nothing can happen till we reach our target of funds, currently not too far off, but with hard work, the wonderful support we have had and faith that I am meant to be a mummy and that I will be, We have been touched by peoples generosity and had another amazing wonderful Large injection into the fund just before Christmas, which made me cry buckets, because it has helped me realise that people do seem to understand how important it is too me and The Beard. We are currently about £1500 short if we get the donation money from the egg donating but about £4500 if we do not. These figures used to scare me, but no. Not now. I will not let it. We deserve this, we want this, I have let this eat me up and cried too many times over it, and neither of those will help. So positive shoes and positive pants on, I know we will get our chance in 2018. Because I simply will not NOT let it happen.

The Beard has been my rock, continues to do so, even though he pissed me off by being ejected from counselling because he is OK and I wasn't. But apparently it is OK as it is a 'Man thing' It does not mean he doesn't care it means he is the practical one of us two, apart from it comes to building stuff and normal man stuff, but he looks at an outcome and says 'right, what do we do next to make this happen"

I am going to follow his lead and do this also. If anyone reading this wants to help me with ideas of positivity, how to feel happy, stay happy, plan anything, please, I would love to hear from you because feeling happy is helping and I am sure happy hormones make for a better chance of 2018/2019 being the year of Baby Leeke!

I have decided to blog again, because I guessed it would be nice to look back during the down days which will come again with the injections and endless blood giving and vagina prodding and remind me that I can be the Happy me I actually quite like!


Happy new year to you all and thank you again.

A Desperate Mummy to Be xxxxxx

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