Medicals, Money and a Very Difficult Surprise Letter

So January is nearly, nearly over and the last couple of weeks have probably been the best I have felt in about 6 months. I decided that this year I WAS going to have another go, one way or another we would fund it and I was going to be ready, mentally and physically. I was not sure how to go about this, but somehow I seem to have found my way and I am doing OK.

I love a notebook, so with a beautiful new note book in front of me, with the prettiest cover, made for me by the wonderful 'Love Muffin' (she chose that blog name clearly not knowing me well enough that I would use it) I started investigating and planning. I decided to look at what I could do to prepare me, knowing what I know from round one, and soon I was writing down vitamins recommended, pills of loveliness that would make my eggs stronger and in just planning I started to feel my head clear and some calm come back into my life.  The one issue I felt that was stressing me out and causing me so much concern was the time line and how uncertain we were and how out of control I felt. I mean, they I am just the body that endures all the pain, swelling, bleeding, prodding, but other than that, because Mother Nature clearly has an issue with me, there is nothing I can do to help. I bit the bullet and told The Beard how I was feeling and he suggested we called our DR and see what he suggested.

Now in terms of the timing, I knew this came down to the money, and we are doing very well, through saving and donations but it just seemed so unachievable, and even with the beautiful selfless friend of ours helping with the egg donation, If we wanted to start sooner, we would need to front the whole £7,000 and await the gift of giving IVF package to be refunded. Money that again, seemed so out of reach.

So we called the DR and I stood at the cooker, crying, not even sure why, listening to The Beard chat to him.The conversation led to again how it would be a really good help if The Beard himself went into the programme of Sperm donation as his little swimmers are apparently like 'The Rock' strong, fast (is the rock fast) top graded and even though we had someone in the programme, their donation would take about 6 months longer than The Beards seeing how he has been screened and had half of the tests!! Dilemma, this is one dilemma that I had faced before, you may remember and it was fluffing awful, but suddenly, hearing it in a light that it may help us speed things up, it did not seem to bad. If we can help another couple in our situation, and help ourselves at the same time, that could work couldn't it. We will not know if his Rocks get used, only 18 years down the line when the child can legally come looking for him, but I hope in in that time, that one way or another, we end up with a family of our own. Jesus, so much to think about, but also a bit of a no brainer.

So this week has now seen The Beard going for a consultation , or so he thought. It ended up being a full medical, prostate check, foreskin check, you name it, The Beard experienced it. Now initially  I felt a little guilty, but then I remembered just how many times I had been pulled about, prodded and poked and laughed to myself. But the thing that shocked me most when he was informing me of how hid day went, and made me burst into uncontrollable sobs, was after he had filled in all the forms and things he was given a piece of paper, on the piece of paper, he had to write a letter to his future child. Not OUR future child, HIS. One he could possibly father in the programme. Writing this is making me feel teary, and it is silly because it is actually a nice idea, give the child some information on there dad and that but why have we not done this, we have not even thought of this, and here he was writing a letter to a child he may have with someone else, and no matter how much I tell myself it isnt as black and white as that, it did not matter. At that moment, and still a bit now, it made me feel sick. it made me cry, it made me wanted to shout WHAT THE F^%K. It broke my heart, it really did. Poor Beard, said 'sorry I should not of said' but my god how on earth did he feel, what an awful shock that must of been. It threw me so much that I wanted to momentarily pull out of the whole thing and crawl into my bed and never leave. Luckily we was on the way to see The sister in law and when relaying it someone else, who looked as shocked as I did, it started to seem ok and I started to understand it all.

We are now in limbo awaiting news of when he can start, and The Lovely Egg donation lady is still keen to help. I have my daily routine of popping pills, drinking egg improving smoothies and exercising (my least favourite part) and slowly I  am starting to see it all coming together. Lets hope.

To any of you that may be about to embark on IVF, please do not think if you read this it not worth it, or it is awful, because you have to keep thinking what you could achieve at the end. But I just like to be honest and I wish I had known more about how much it can change you, mentally effect you and basically become a little bit too much! It is shit, it is also brilliant. It is a roller coaster of emotions but its one you just simply have to ride, even knowing all the bad bits.

Lots of Love



A Desperate Mummy to Be Xxxxxxx