What Nobody Tells You and What I Did Not Know Before

So its been a while, which I take as a good thing, I mean as I have said time and time again, I feel the need to write when normally I am freaking out or feeling out of control. But recently I have felt good. I have come into this year positive, I have started to look forward as if we will reach our target and we will get another shot, because I have realised that positivity is KEY!

Again, i would like to thank everyone who has donated supported us financially, and to everyone who has continued to support us both in ways we can never thank you enough. If, no sorry, positive remember, WHEN we go again, I hope to have all of you by side again, because each and every one of you helped me so much, especially in deciding to go again and that could get through it, what ever the outcome.

I have started of the new year by trying to tweak my life style. Little changes here and there not to join the band of new years resolutions, but hopefully to prepare me if we get to have our second chance of trying to being parents.

I decided that mentally I had to be prepared, because as you well know, last time that was what nearly done me in. The key to being positive I have found is planning, talking about it, as as much as it sometimes throws me off guard, thinking about last times experience. In doing this, going over last time, I have taken some points which I feel this time will help me and may prepare anyone else out there about to embark on this roller coaster ride. I will probably continue to do this over the next few blogs, as it helps and hopefully may help other.

 So here goes.

1. You Will Look & Feel Pregnant after about 1 week in 

This was one of the hardest things about the whole journey. I have spoken about it at lengths with The Beard, my friends and the councillor and to be honest, anyone that will listen, because this I found so hard to deal with. After about the first week of injections, I was huge. I had a fat swollen face, I suddenly couldn't fit into any of my bras (as you will recall from earlier blogs) I was purchasing comfy crop tops that I  had not worn since my prepubescent school days. But I had a baby bump. I actually had a perfectly, tiny, round baby bump. Now of course this was the injections, the hormones and the fact my brain wanted there to be a baby more than anything. Over the weeks of the injections, I would notice my arms protectively covering my bump, I would wake to find myself protectively touching my bump and all the time I had to say to myself, 'stop being silly' but for what ever reason I didn't, I couldn't and after 6 weeks, it was part of me. The day of implantation, when our chance finally came, our emby was put into its little prepared home, I suddenly realised how silly I had been, and apologised to the Beard 100 times over. Turns out it is normal to react that way, but I only found this out after I felt a complete idiot then even blamed myself for it not happening because I had been so naive and convinced, even with rationally knowing I couldn't be, to me I had the perfect start to pregnancy.

2. You Will Completely alone regardless of the support you have

Again, this was a shock, my nearest and dearest all knew what we was embarking on, all knew how emotional I could be without added hormones and The Beard was right by my side. By week 2, I  felt everyone around me was avoiding me because I had become mental and they all thought I was being 'dramatic' (which I probably was) and that I had no one that cared. WHAT A LOAD OF BOLLOCKS!! To anyone out there that is going to be going through this, I can honestly say with conviction, you will never be alone. Even though I felt it, I reached out to friends of old, made new friends with my blogs and still had the love and comfort around me, and I know now that it was just the hormones and the emotions making me feel this way. When I think about it now, I think how actually I feel a little like that each moth during my periods and its not those around me stepping back and not caring, its me taking my self into hiding. So if you do not feel like talking, write! it is the best thing i done. Weather you blog, keep a journal, that pen and that paper becomes a way for you to let your feelings and emotions out without the fear of ripping someones head off.

3. The injections are OK, honestly, they are OK

Obviously this will not be the same for everyone, but after the initial freak out and 20 minutes crying and saying "I cant do it" I became quite swift and settled in injecting myself. In fact by the end of it, it was part of me, I actually missed them. My body knew the time, and I would actually feel lost not doing them. I liked to have someone by my side, just in case I did have a freak out, and lets be honest, it can happen at any time with the amount of hormones I had, because you can not miss one, you just cant. I also liked to have them in a little make up bag, so if i had to administer out and about, which I did a couple of times, I would feel calmer, as the worst thing about carrying needles about is how your mind reacts about what others may think of you. This time I shall treat myself to a nice little IVF Meds bag, just because they are pretty and I like pretty things and I know it is little things like that, that can settle my mind and keep me a little calmer.

So Those are 3 things for today, I do not mean to scare anyone and  I stress, Everyone is different everyone has different meds, cycles, timing, these are my feelings, but if it can in fact help anyone reading this, either going into it or coming out of it for the first time feeling as confused and redundant as i did, then That makes me happy.

Please feel free to share this blog, and to get in touch, I love hearing from people regarding this subject, because it is actually still very much a 'taboo' subject but when you are the patient, talking, writing and sharing is definitely a help.


Lots of Love

A Desperate Mummy to Be xxxxx