Testing times, the need to write and a week I want to forget

Not the Easter Eggs I had in mind and shocking past 5 Days! 

Let me set the scene, it’s been a while, which is a good thing, because recently I’ve been In a really good place, really good and have noticed the weeks flying past me, not the days dragging. It’s been quite enjoyable. Any way, this week that’s all changed and I have to do what I do best when flapping and that is shove it in a blog and get it out of my head! I am currently in hospital, its 4am and I am pretty sure I am still off my head on Morphine, becuse im sitting here writing this and havinf a 'lovely time' No one here is having a lovely time. My head is currently my enemy, so when this wears off and I get the update I can finish this, but here goes

Monday my lovely foot wizardess arrived for my last round of fertility reflexology. We sat chatting away, like we always do and I can sense in her normal questions, seemed to be some new ones being asked and all pointing to one thing. Am I pregnant! For about 15 minutes, I’m not going to lie, I felt sick. Sick with worry in case I was, and this is horrible and I really so long for the day I can be ‘normal, like normal people” and just not find out so early and enjoy it. So Lou must of seen how the colour left me and I was actually started to feel anxious. Of course I’d love it,

Don’t get me wrong, maybe his was fate, maybe I’ve relaxed, got into a good place, the beards come along just once, and trust me with the libido of a dead something, it was once and wth his super human Greyskull powered sperm, he’s planted his seed and between us with won!!! Wouldn’t that be nice if that was that. But the worry comes from, previous ectopic, make you high risk for another, Ive had two, so higher risk, bla, bla, bla. Finding out I was pregnant was not what I expected this week believe me. But after My FW Lou and her super awesome fertility plan, one quick unsexy sex later here I was shaking like a leaf holding 2 postivive, super positive, quick as you like positive sticks in my hands! 

I called Nik, I paced my lounge for what seemed like ever then I called the DR who as always, because of history, sent me straight to Clinic 24, Addenbrookes. As normal I was prodded, poked  and left with sore arms as they try to get my stubborn blood. They confirmed the shock pregnancy and sent me away to return on Wednesday for further bloods. As I was leaving I got a Call  to say dad had had a suspected heart attack and was in an ambulance on way, so off to A&E I went . Dad was poorly and is now in Papworth awaiting a bypass tomorrow and all my thoughts were instantly on him. 

Wednesday came along and I was feeling ok, slight pain but other than that, and wasn’t to bothered as I had “period pains” for last week or so as was waiting for it. However it transpired my Hormone levels were not climbing enough and with my ectopic history they was concerned so having left there still none the wiser I went home and prepared to go back Thursday morning for a scan and more tests. So I popped to see dad whilst he was still awaiting transfer and all the time kept praying the baby would stick and I could concentrate on my father. 

We went in yesterday morning and at 3pm was on the way home feeling sick, overly hot and heart broken as all now seemed to be pointing to another ectopic. As much as I felt I wasn’t getting many answers, all of these nurses, porters, Drs, were absolutely thorough, kind, and so patient. Baring in mind how mad it is at that hospital currently. 

So after being home with strict instructions to not be alone and do nothing till I was go back Tuesday, I suddenly felt the need to eat. I stood up, instantly felt blood down my leg and there and then my heart broke. My Beard is my rock and as instructed called the ward, before we knew it I was in an ambulance on my way back. 

Was this week ever going to end? 

So this brings me to now! I’ve just got home after a night of rapid admission, surgery and after care by the most kind staff and compassionate DRs and theatre staff I’ve ever met, and sadly I’ve met many. I have sadly now lost my one remaining Fallopian tube and all the hard work and life style hanged for my chance to fall naturally clearly had worked, but now will not be necessary. Today marks the day I feel my last bit of normality and hope at being. Mummy naturally has been taken from me. 

Yes it is best, because this has happened to many times but I’m not going to lie I feel like shit. I feel relived in one hand that I won’t be here again because last night I was sure I was giving up. Never having sex again, going to get myself a goat and a cat and that was that, and yes I can have IVF and in actually fact, they have informed me that my success rates next time will be increased now, but right now I just feel like a very redundant women. Not even like a women. I will not let this beat me, I will not go back to the darkness I happily wallowed in before, but I will allow my self Easter to get over this and then operation MEGA to get this IVF in swing!

Dad is in great hands but it breaks my heart I can’t see him but hope to next week and he two had my wonderful family and amazing staff looking after him! He says I just stress him out as I’m the “pain” so probably best here at home. Cheeky sod. 

I want to thank each and every one of you for your kind messages and help and especially my sister who came round yesterday when waiting for ambulance and went into Mum mode, something I’ve missed so much through previous testing times and to my Bearded Butler for the next few days, as he is wonderful, even if he finished his crisps before helping me up stairs yesterday, man got to eat. 

So least now I know it’s the IVF Way or no way, so I may as well get focused on that and get in a good place ready to carry on operation Little Leekey 2018! 

Once again, writing this and getting it all out of my head and reliving it, has already helped. Now I need to turn my attention to Easter eggs and hot water bottles and hopefully some uninterrupted sleep! 

Happy Easter

A STILL very muchly Desperate Mummy to be 

Xxxxx