Shit! Im clinically Infertile! I am 1 in 8. Thank goodness for Insta

I need some happiness, hence the picture above. Back when we was care free, felt like we had all the time in the world, and appear to both share a love of HUGE glasses.

I am nearly a month down the line after the monster Monday from hell and to be honest, it is all kind of now feeling tough and sinking in. I think I was so preoccupied with what was happening with my Dad that I kinda just said "OK I have had another ectopic and I am now 'Infertile', How is Dad?' Now, as dad is home and recovering, and I can see him doing so, I can go visit him and he has his fantastic sense of humour slowly coming back, I am starting now think, probably over think, everything else.

I can not seem to stop playing over the speech from my Dr when she came to do the rounds the morning after my surgery and inform me what had happened. I had hardly slept because I came out of surgery in the small hours, I had been looked after the sweetest guy in recovery who insisted I needed Vaseline on my dry lips, but instead kept rubbing it all around my face so I sat in my bed trying to de grease, trying not to feel the pain that was burning through me, and desperate to hear how dad was doing. Sods law that by the time morning came round, I had hardly slept and was just starting to proper nod off when the Dr and what seemed and army of other people appeared and drew the curtains around my bed. 'Here we go' I thought, least I will know. I remember the tears falling down my face before she even began to speak. She went over why I had been admitted then she started talking about how the registrar from the night before had informed her I was familiar with IVF, then she told me. I remember 'Im sorry but we did have to remove the tube due to it being enlarged and a blocked and I am afraid you will no longer be able to conceive naturally' I knew that news was coming, but I still wished it was all OK. She went onto say how it does make the chances of success higher but but this tim I couldn't breathe, my chest was hurting, and it is only now I am remembering just how shit it was. Since last week, its all started to be very real and I have become slightly obsessed at what my future maps out. Now we all know it doesn't work like that, but as much as I wake each day with the best will in the world to be positive, I am finding the word 'Infertile' is constantly swimming around my brain. I have always knew I had issues, and I have been 'OK' with that for sometime, but to suddenly be infertile, well that is a different ball game.

So I have got into it in ways that are helping me deal with it. Reading, investigating areas I dare not go before, talking openly in person about it, not hiding behind my computer but mainly and strangely Instagram, who knew this could make such a difference and huge positive impact on my life. I have stumbled across a community of women and men, all in a similar position, all fighting there own battle and all extremely positive and comforting in their own way. These people are amazing an have helped me in so many ways, mainly as I am not alone, and yes of course I know that but to see other people feeling the way I do daily, to see raw emotion and frustration through someone else's eyes and to know that it is OK to not be OK, but mainly to see how positive each and everyone is, to reach their dream, to get to there goal. It has made me pick myself up, and hungry for parenthood even more. I am off to meet a bunch of these like minded people in a couple of weeks, and I am nervously so exited. Its a funny old game this infertility business, the wanting something so bad it hurts, physically and emotionally, but it is really starting to show that the old saying "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" really has some truth in it.

So I am going to keep going forward, The Beard and I have spoken and he has agreed to blog his side, mainly as a man, and we all know what I mean by that, he finds it hard to put things into words, in an actual conversation, mainly as I start to cry, and he doesn't want that. I think it is a great idea, a I  do sometimes wonder if he sees his wife as the mental neurotic woman that I see most days. He is so supportive and right now he is not here too much, thanks to his new job, which SUCKS, but I'm getting used to it (that is a lie) and using my time without him to look into future avenues and other options. I am simply living daily with the dream and urge stronger than ever to have our baby, and I will embrace being a '1' in '8' with all those out there like me that keep me going and try to help them feel the same.

Lots of Love

A Desperate Mummy to be xxxxxx