Making sense of it all & The Gift of Giving and Sorry for being shit Minnie

So this morning we had our follow up appointment. I was nervous, been anxious all week. Worried about bringing it all up again and going through it all. I have come away realising I am not OK I kinda knew that, but I have become very good at painting a smile on my face and hibernating, well I think that even I could give a bear some pointers.

We arrived at the beautiful clinic about ten minutes before our appointment, we was told to wait in the lunch room, a beautiful big room, with the prettiest views and the most beautiful chandelier. I have been in this room many a times, it always calms me, I sit there looking around and telling myself to calm down, breath and keep it together. We was promptly then told to make our way upstairs. Off we went, and as we got to the doors to the ward, I suddenly felt a strong rush of tears welling up. The last time we was here it was excitement and nerves, today was so different. We headed upstairs and we was greeted by our new Dr. WHAT A WONDERFUL MAN. From the minute he shook my hand and smiled, I felt instantly better.

The meeting was to discus options. Options! Such a weird conversation, you are sitting there discussing money, loans, I felt a bit like I was signing up for a new car I could not afford.

Well Dr Lovely went through my previous attempt. His first instruction was clear. Counselling. He would not do anything with us un till we had counselling. This surprised me, because I sat there wide eyed, smiling, but then he said 'It is my job to see when someone is hurting and you are hurting' I swallowed hard. He was right. Thing is I have tried to be OK, I thought I was OK somedays. I mean, people lose babies all the time, I am getting rather good at it, i should be OK with it all by now, so I feel like I should get over it and carry on. But I now realise this is nether correct, or sensible. I still have that feeling that I have let everyone down. The Beard, the desperate to be grandparents, the best friend who I owe a fabulous 30th birthday but have pushed away because I cry soon as I see or hear her. They always say you push away the ones you love, I have shut down a fair bit all round, but in terms of this woman, I just feel everything I am going through is nothing compared to what you've dealt with, and I am so proud of you for that and I have never stopped loving you. I publically promise I am going to throw you the best 31st party, of course I will still celebrate with you this year, but  I know you are in the best hands with J. I am just consumed with that feeling of shitness. So Now I have said it out loud. now it is time to sort it.

He advised once we had completed the counselling, he would be very very happy to proceed with another attempt. Now this time this attempt is not funding, thanks to the cuts. So we have an added issue of funds. Going through the fees, and what we would require, the rough figure is around £7000. So really I could of been buying a car. He then went on to say there is an option that could take £3300 away from that! This option has thrown me into utter turmoil, selfishness, selflessness and just a state of 'I do not know what to do'

The Gift Of Giving!! This is the option. Basically, The Beard as it turns out has top notch little Beard swimmers. (and boy is he proud of that). If he was to go into a sperm donation plan, this will give us a Free IVF package, only leaving medication and tests and lab costs. So basically he could potentially gift the gift of a baby to someone as desperate as we both are, give them the best gift of all. Sounds perfect right? It does, and I keep thinking that we are those people, we could be in the same position, although we are but its me with the issue. BUT what if we do not get our baby? We do not have our happy ending? will I spend the next 18 years waiting for the day that another Beard may come knocking? The selfless side of me thinks it is a wonderful thing to do, sperm donation, egg donation, but the selfish side I am finding it all too much to get round my head right now. maybe after a couple of days it will be clearer and 80% i would say is already thinking how wonderful it would be to help. But the rest is thinking Are you serious???? So that's where I am with that! Thrown, in turmoil, in the air, very sad, cried all day and just feel rock bottom. On top of that we still have to find the other £3000 and some and it just seems totally out of our reach and right now, I am ready to close the door on it all, get a puppy and try to be happy again. But I know that will not happen, I am always then going to be feeling like such a selfish cow and a little bit empty.

Surrogacy is an option we have considered but the red tape, the money although less, the trust and if I am honest, I want the bump, the boobs and I want to feel that baby inside me! 

To make it worse, I heard today far to many times for my liking, how I am old. I cant donate eggs, I am too old. I can apply for a loan, but its an extra £4k on the package because of my age bracket. I have decided i do not like this game. Why cant I just go have some enjoyable nookie and fall pregnant and do that thing that women are meant to do! I'm wallowing and I do not care!

So a depressing read, I know but I needed to slam some keys in frustration.

If anyone else fancies knocking one out in a bottle, or any ladies under 35 fancy donating eggs, you can then gift the IVF treatment to us,  just saying :)

I will update when i need to rant or I  have made a decision. Thank you for all your support.

A Desperate Mummy to be

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