A Need for Nappies

Well this is fun! Said no one ever on this dose of drugs I am sure! Since I last wrote, I think I have experienced every form of emotion, every expression from horror to sheer delight has past my face and every possible thought has run through my mind a thousand times. But Here I am today, Wednesday, HUMP day and I may have been forced into being OK as The Beard is down with Man Flu.  Poor old boy, hardly makes a fuss, I mean that is clear that is my role in this Marriage, I nailed that early on in our relationship and he knows the score, but when he grumbled of a sore throat Monday evening, whilst I laid in a massive blanket of self pity and selfishness, I realised he must be feeling it to mention it. He had a restless sleep, I had very little, and he left for work at 5.30am and to be honest, he looked bloody awful, I couldn't get back to sleep, I was hell bent on getting out of the house yesterday, I mean the day before had been a wash out, I cried, I screamed, I broke down...

So it has been a mad week. Emotions running high, patience growing thinner by the minute, the feeling of sadness is constantly glued to my insides and all the while I am trying to stay focused on the greater good. I thought by now I would be feeling different, happier even. I have started the Gonal F injections, so now I have to stick myself in my fat belly with 2 big ass needles, but I thought it would start to perk me up. If anything, the last 2 days, I  have felt worse. Last Wednesday I left my job, my friends and my 9-5 sanity. Thursday I headed off with my pillow and snuggle blanket and sat in the back of a car for 7 hours as I travelled with The Beard and Big Brother to Glasgow for a funeral. The funeral was that of Uncle Davy. Uncle Davy was a true hero and legend of a man, a decorated war hero at 97 years old, we expected a small affair. Well we was wrong. 400 people, including 2 supporter busses from Celtic, being the oldest season ticket holder, he was well loved...

The misery continued, the spots grew, the sweating is immense and unbearable but today is not so bad. I didn’t  write yesterday because I had a really bad day, the worst so far and once again I didn’t want to write about it. Or relive it.   It has basically been so disgusting I have hid away at work and then driven straight home, barely remembering how I got there and hid away there.   The want of having a baby has always been in me, and only my nearest and dearest know just how much, I know to most I'm a crazy, happy person, often in a pub,behind the bar or in front of the bar, but all I ever wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother. To find out at 21 after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, this would be a struggle, |I felt empty. I was heart broken. Then to have another ectopic, then miscarriages, just a constant feel of utter uselessness. Then to go through such terrible hormones and periods every month, and not to even be able get the end resu...

What a bloody beaut of an August Bank Holiday, normally by this last 3 day weekend of the year, we are all moaning the shops are replacing the bikinis with bobble hats but at the same time, grateful they are doing so as the weather is shit, but what a nice change to have summer weather, on a summer weekend, the last summer weekend. When I say nice, I mean it is for all you sun lovers, normally I love it too, but I honestly feel that in the last 48 hours I have experienced what it is like to be that shit clay vase I  made in year 8 with Mr Heaton and by that I mean I am pretty sure I have been at a similar temperature of a Kiln. I am sure that to anyone that has seen me this weekend, I must of looked like I had just stepped out of the shower. I mean I have, many a times, as the shower has become my second home, but never have I looked and felt so Hot, and I aint talking about 'sexy hot' (what even is that?).  So let me tell you about my overheated...

Well!! Last night was exciting! When I say exciting, I mean absolutely terrifying. Let me start  from where I left off  previously.  The day had been actually OK, I was the happiest I had felt in a long time, I felt content and my face hurt from smiling, I have to say it had been a long time since I had felt that naturally. I was not sure if this was a good thing or a sign of an impending melt down, but I went with it.  I went to work, I did my work, I had lots of lovely well wishes and messages, and one little conversation in particular from one of my most favorite people in the world, Niece number 2. Niece number 2 has recently become a mother herself, and boy has she taken to it wonderfully, her little boy is absolutely gorgeous, as is she and her hot partner, (I can say that right?) but She contacted me saying my blog made her feel......sick! I immediately apologised, but bless her heart, she went on to explain that it was only because she wanted it to work so ...

After writing down my thoughts in my first ever blog, being advised by a wonderful, beautiful lady ( who has an ass Beyonce would envy) I posted said blog, and the response was over whelming.  I was a little worried that it would be seen as attention seeking, but then, those that know me would not be surprised by that, however, this was certainly not the case.  This to me, has been something I have been dealing with for the best part of the last 18 months, from when we was advised we 'qualified'. Such a blunt word for such a testing, trying time, to me, of course I qualified, well I felt I did and that's all I could think about.  I had been through 2 ectopics, one nearly killing me before I made it to 21, miscarriage after miscarriage, and all I wanted was what everyone else around me seemed to have so easily, but after realising my ignorance at such a subject, I felt many things. I felt lucky, scared and ever so overwhe...