A Need for Nappies

I still can’t quite believe that we are one week into cycle 2 of IVF. Something that had come to seem so far out of reach and so distant. But, here we are!  So for those of you that followed our journey last year will probably remember what a dark, miserable soul I become. How after about day four, I hated me, myself and I and everything and everyone around me. I felt like I was treading water, actually not water, more like a grey thick messy horrible goo that was stopping me being myself and getting to any place that was happy! Well, well well well, here we are, day 10 and honestly I can’t quite get over how different I feel. I feel bloody amazing.  So on Tuesday 18th off I went off to Bourne. I had told the Beard that there was no need for him to miss work and come with and instead I would go with Sheila. Sheila is my dads partner and it just so happens that in the last few years over various events and occurrences, we have ended up spending a lot of hospital ...

As February comes to a close in just a few days, I am trying my hardest to remain positive and believe that this year is our year. The Beard has started a new job, I’ve started to lose weight, exercise and make many changes to help us have the best shot of making our Little Leeke. It is just crazy that it was 6 months ago this week that I first injected myself and started the journey. Sunday I had my first bad day. I really hated being ‘baron’ I hated being a women, I hated be me, I hated The Beard and I hated life. But I snapped out of it as quick as I fell into it and realised I’m so ready to do this to achieve our dream. In the last six months I have learnt so much, things that I never thought my brain would have to comprehend, I’ve made new friends, I’ve lost “friends” and luckily I have the best relationship with my partner in crime, The Beard, my husband. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, well I think it is safe to say that we are proof in that pudding. A...

So its been a while, which I take as a good thing, I mean as I have said time and time again, I feel the need to write when normally I am freaking out or feeling out of control. But recently I have felt good. I have come into this year positive, I have started to look forward as if we will reach our target and we will get another shot, because I have realised that positivity is KEY! Again, i would like to thank everyone who has donated supported us financially, and to everyone who has continued to support us both in ways we can never thank you enough. If, no sorry, positive remember, WHEN we go again, I hope to have all of you by side again, because each and every one of you helped me so much, especially in deciding to go again and that could get through it, what ever the outcome. I have started of the new year by trying to tweak my life style. Little changes here and there not to join the band of new years resolutions, but hopefully to prepare me if we get to have our second c...

So January is nearly, nearly over and the last couple of weeks have probably been the best I have felt in about 6 months. I decided that this year I WAS going to have another go, one way or another we would fund it and I was going to be ready, mentally and physically. I was not sure how to go about this, but somehow I seem to have found my way and I am doing OK. I love a notebook, so with a beautiful new note book in front of me, with the prettiest cover, made for me by the wonderful 'Love Muffin' (she chose that blog name clearly not knowing me well enough that I would use it) I started investigating and planning. I decided to look at what I could do to prepare me, knowing what I know from round one, and soon I was writing down vitamins recommended, pills of loveliness that would make my eggs stronger and in just planning I started to feel my head clear and some calm come back into my life.  The one issue I felt that was stressing me out and causing me so much concern wa...

What a wonderful few days we have both have. After Thursdays appointment, the utter turmoil pit I had been thrown into head first, along with The Beard, felt impossible to get out of. I could not shake the feeling of utter selfishness, and still am struggling now, but then came along our friends. One of the Witches of Eastwick, who I have mentioned previously and love all of them so much, took it into her hands and gave us the ultimate kick up the arse. She set up a donation page, to try to help us find the funds for another go. She kicked it off with a hearty donation and started the tears rolling for me again on Friday morning. This was something that had been mentioned to me so many times. It was something I was dead against. Me and my husband are not a charity, we should be able to do this ourselves. There are people out there needing so much more, they need it more than us. Then a very lovely lady, who I have not seen for years, but once used to dance with her in local villag...

So this morning we had our follow up appointment. I was nervous, been anxious all week. Worried about bringing it all up again and going through it all. I have come away realising I am not OK  I kinda knew that, but I have become very good at painting a smile on my face and hibernating, well I think that even I could give a bear some pointers. We arrived at the beautiful clinic about ten minutes before our appointment, we was told to wait in the lunch room, a beautiful big room, with the prettiest views and the most beautiful chandelier. I have been in this room many a times, it always calms me, I sit there looking around and telling myself to calm down, breath and keep it together. We was promptly then told to make our way upstairs. Off we went, and as we got to the doors to the ward, I suddenly felt a strong rush of tears welling up. The last time we was here it was excitement and nerves, today was so different. We headed upstairs and we was greeted by our new Dr. WHAT A WO...

The last few days have been some what crazy. Ambulances, hospitals, positive tests then bad news. I did also go to The Zoo, the zoo was wonderful, and if anything made me smile this week, it was the zoo.  Because I will remember this week for the Zoo, not for all the shit.  It is with the saddest feeling in my stomach that I am writing this, but this was not our time. As I have said many times before, I write this to help me, to try to get all the feelings in my head out, because, anyone that knows me, knows I am a hot headed dick at times, but they also know I have a soft centre, a huge heart and right now it is breaking. Through this muddle, and this may come as a shock as I am a girl that likes to talk, I find it hard to say what I am thinking, so why I have been advised by a few to 'concentrate on me' 'forget the blog' but I cant. I need to get it out, I need to also let people know, as by choosing to be open about all this has reunited me with so many people wh...

They say what does not kill you, makes you stronger right? Well if that is the case, my super powers and my pants, leggings and cape surely must be out for delivery by now? Today marks one week down, one to go! Part of me can not quite believe that this week is over already and it was last Friday we had the transfer, it seems unbelievable that I am sitting here, writing this, with one week down. In answer to the question you are all thinking, no! I have not tested. I have stocked up, even though the hospital gave us 2 too bring home, I have never wanted to piss on a stick more than anything, but no, I  have been so good and not done so. There are a 2 reasons, and to put you all in the loop, here they are. 1. False Negative / Positives - This is a thing, this can happen. See if I tested to early,  I could show positive from the hormones inside me from the trigger jab. Now as much as I want a positive result,  I want one that means this little bearded beauty has st...

What a whirlwind week The Beard and I have had. All started Monday with the scan, being told the lining was looking good,  to then being told no more injections. We then got the call and Wednesday was the day for Collection. I spent Tuesday feeling pretty sick with nerves. This part of the procedure was the only thing I had googled as it was the only part that worried me. I really wish I had not, it sent my anxiety through the roof and made me feel like a walking bag of jellyfish, all wobbly and fully charged with sickness.  We arrived at hospital and we was taken straight through where I had to change into a sexy gown (I do not even know what sexy feels like) and the lovely nurse spoke to us about what was going to happen. This involved The Beard being issued paper work and his sample pot and myself being given drugs to make me wobbly, the biggest suppository I have ever seen and lube and gloves to go with said suppository. Least The Beard gets the hard task of Masturbat...

I think I am OK. I mean, I have cried lots today, but I have laughed and the fuzz is finally clearing. Maybe that is because today I found out that this evening is the last time I have to inject myself. It is very weird, all this time I have felt utter shit, I actually think, as it has become such a habit, I will miss them. Did I just say that? I think I did. So Friday we visited Bourne, they internally scanned me, which is always an uncomfortable process, but it is pretty cool having a little guided tour of your womb and ovaries. The nurse was lovely, as always and gave me a good look round my ovaries and took all the measurements of the follicles. She was very pleased with the way they were and the way my womb lining looked. I was advised to go home and continue with my dosage over the weekend and I would be rescanned today and hopefully my left ovary had found some energy and become less lazy and played catch up by then. The weekend hit us, Saturday I felt sickie and had a ...

Why do I write this? Why do I tell all and sundry how shit I am feeling? I do it because, believe it or not, it helps me. Writing down all the emotions I have been through and am constantly battling make a little more sense to me when I can get it out into words. It is not a 'oh woe is me; It is not a 'I am so hard done by, and if you think that, believe me, you do not know me at all, I love drama, I am the QUEEN of drama, but Not this. This is something I am dealing with because the end goal is to give me something I have always wanted and to make us a family. That is what keeps me going. Funny thing emotions, especially when you can not get them out exactly how they are in your head. I have spent the last 24 hours pretending everything is fine, everything is better, when in actual fact I have had the biggest knot in my stomach, the constant feeling of sickness and sheer disbelief at how many people come forward and offer support and love, those near to you, those you ...

Well this is fun! Said no one ever on this dose of drugs I am sure! Since I last wrote, I think I have experienced every form of emotion, every expression from horror to sheer delight has past my face and every possible thought has run through my mind a thousand times. But Here I am today, Wednesday, HUMP day and I may have been forced into being OK as The Beard is down with Man Flu.  Poor old boy, hardly makes a fuss, I mean that is clear that is my role in this Marriage, I nailed that early on in our relationship and he knows the score, but when he grumbled of a sore throat Monday evening, whilst I laid in a massive blanket of self pity and selfishness, I realised he must be feeling it to mention it. He had a restless sleep, I had very little, and he left for work at 5.30am and to be honest, he looked bloody awful, I couldn't get back to sleep, I was hell bent on getting out of the house yesterday, I mean the day before had been a wash out, I cried, I screamed, I broke down...

So it has been a mad week. Emotions running high, patience growing thinner by the minute, the feeling of sadness is constantly glued to my insides and all the while I am trying to stay focused on the greater good. I thought by now I would be feeling different, happier even. I have started the Gonal F injections, so now I have to stick myself in my fat belly with 2 big ass needles, but I thought it would start to perk me up. If anything, the last 2 days, I  have felt worse. Last Wednesday I left my job, my friends and my 9-5 sanity. Thursday I headed off with my pillow and snuggle blanket and sat in the back of a car for 7 hours as I travelled with The Beard and Big Brother to Glasgow for a funeral. The funeral was that of Uncle Davy. Uncle Davy was a true hero and legend of a man, a decorated war hero at 97 years old, we expected a small affair. Well we was wrong. 400 people, including 2 supporter busses from Celtic, being the oldest season ticket holder, he was well loved...

What a bloody beaut of an August Bank Holiday, normally by this last 3 day weekend of the year, we are all moaning the shops are replacing the bikinis with bobble hats but at the same time, grateful they are doing so as the weather is shit, but what a nice change to have summer weather, on a summer weekend, the last summer weekend. When I say nice, I mean it is for all you sun lovers, normally I love it too, but I honestly feel that in the last 48 hours I have experienced what it is like to be that shit clay vase I  made in year 8 with Mr Heaton and by that I mean I am pretty sure I have been at a similar temperature of a Kiln. I am sure that to anyone that has seen me this weekend, I must of looked like I had just stepped out of the shower. I mean I have, many a times, as the shower has become my second home, but never have I looked and felt so Hot, and I aint talking about 'sexy hot' (what even is that?).  So let me tell you about my overheated...