A Need for Nappies

As February comes to a close in just a few days, I am trying my hardest to remain positive and believe that this year is our year. The Beard has started a new job, I’ve started to lose weight, exercise and make many changes to help us have the best shot of making our Little Leeke. It is just crazy that it was 6 months ago this week that I first injected myself and started the journey. Sunday I had my first bad day. I really hated being ‘baron’ I hated being a women, I hated be me, I hated The Beard and I hated life. But I snapped out of it as quick as I fell into it and realised I’m so ready to do this to achieve our dream. In the last six months I have learnt so much, things that I never thought my brain would have to comprehend, I’ve made new friends, I’ve lost “friends” and luckily I have the best relationship with my partner in crime, The Beard, my husband. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, well I think it is safe to say that we are proof in that pudding. A...

So it has been a little over 2 weeks since the world seemed to stop spinning and the news was confirmed that this was not our time. 2 weeks, it seems like its been the longest drawn out 14+ days in existence, this I am struggling with. See I have been here before, I have dealt with it before, more than once. But I am not going to lie, this is hard. I am not sure if it is still a surge of all those hormones going through me, having no purpose at the moment or its just that this time, I really, hoped, wished and wanted it to be our time. I guess this is why I am writing. As I have said before, it helps. It helped me all through our journey and it is already helping now. Its been a shit couple of weeks, for various reasons, and about half an hour ago, the postman popped a letter through the letter box and there in black and white, the word FAILED! Its knocked me back a bit. I am not sure if it is because it made it all final, definite, not that I was ever hoping for a differ...

The last few days have been some what crazy. Ambulances, hospitals, positive tests then bad news. I did also go to The Zoo, the zoo was wonderful, and if anything made me smile this week, it was the zoo.  Because I will remember this week for the Zoo, not for all the shit.  It is with the saddest feeling in my stomach that I am writing this, but this was not our time. As I have said many times before, I write this to help me, to try to get all the feelings in my head out, because, anyone that knows me, knows I am a hot headed dick at times, but they also know I have a soft centre, a huge heart and right now it is breaking. Through this muddle, and this may come as a shock as I am a girl that likes to talk, I find it hard to say what I am thinking, so why I have been advised by a few to 'concentrate on me' 'forget the blog' but I cant. I need to get it out, I need to also let people know, as by choosing to be open about all this has reunited me with so many people wh...

I think I am OK. I mean, I have cried lots today, but I have laughed and the fuzz is finally clearing. Maybe that is because today I found out that this evening is the last time I have to inject myself. It is very weird, all this time I have felt utter shit, I actually think, as it has become such a habit, I will miss them. Did I just say that? I think I did. So Friday we visited Bourne, they internally scanned me, which is always an uncomfortable process, but it is pretty cool having a little guided tour of your womb and ovaries. The nurse was lovely, as always and gave me a good look round my ovaries and took all the measurements of the follicles. She was very pleased with the way they were and the way my womb lining looked. I was advised to go home and continue with my dosage over the weekend and I would be rescanned today and hopefully my left ovary had found some energy and become less lazy and played catch up by then. The weekend hit us, Saturday I felt sickie and had a ...

Why do I write this? Why do I tell all and sundry how shit I am feeling? I do it because, believe it or not, it helps me. Writing down all the emotions I have been through and am constantly battling make a little more sense to me when I can get it out into words. It is not a 'oh woe is me; It is not a 'I am so hard done by, and if you think that, believe me, you do not know me at all, I love drama, I am the QUEEN of drama, but Not this. This is something I am dealing with because the end goal is to give me something I have always wanted and to make us a family. That is what keeps me going. Funny thing emotions, especially when you can not get them out exactly how they are in your head. I have spent the last 24 hours pretending everything is fine, everything is better, when in actual fact I have had the biggest knot in my stomach, the constant feeling of sickness and sheer disbelief at how many people come forward and offer support and love, those near to you, those you ...

Well this is fun! Said no one ever on this dose of drugs I am sure! Since I last wrote, I think I have experienced every form of emotion, every expression from horror to sheer delight has past my face and every possible thought has run through my mind a thousand times. But Here I am today, Wednesday, HUMP day and I may have been forced into being OK as The Beard is down with Man Flu.  Poor old boy, hardly makes a fuss, I mean that is clear that is my role in this Marriage, I nailed that early on in our relationship and he knows the score, but when he grumbled of a sore throat Monday evening, whilst I laid in a massive blanket of self pity and selfishness, I realised he must be feeling it to mention it. He had a restless sleep, I had very little, and he left for work at 5.30am and to be honest, he looked bloody awful, I couldn't get back to sleep, I was hell bent on getting out of the house yesterday, I mean the day before had been a wash out, I cried, I screamed, I broke down...

So it has been a mad week. Emotions running high, patience growing thinner by the minute, the feeling of sadness is constantly glued to my insides and all the while I am trying to stay focused on the greater good. I thought by now I would be feeling different, happier even. I have started the Gonal F injections, so now I have to stick myself in my fat belly with 2 big ass needles, but I thought it would start to perk me up. If anything, the last 2 days, I  have felt worse. Last Wednesday I left my job, my friends and my 9-5 sanity. Thursday I headed off with my pillow and snuggle blanket and sat in the back of a car for 7 hours as I travelled with The Beard and Big Brother to Glasgow for a funeral. The funeral was that of Uncle Davy. Uncle Davy was a true hero and legend of a man, a decorated war hero at 97 years old, we expected a small affair. Well we was wrong. 400 people, including 2 supporter busses from Celtic, being the oldest season ticket holder, he was well loved...

Sorry I have been quiet for a few days. It has been testing and miserable, and I just have kept myself to myself! Friday, I was off work, had a nice day planned, ended up doing none of it and being ill all day and night, joy. So that was a waste of a day’s holiday, although that is irrelevant now as it turns out tomorrow is my last day in my job anyway. I have been in my role a year and a bit, I love my job, love the guys I work with and I am going to be very sad to go, but I decided to take that option, as the stress and changes would not be right for my current, emotionally unstable mind and right now it is all about me and operation baby Leeke.  So Back to the weekend, Saturday was The Beautiful Niece Number one’s baby shower. An event planned for weeks, and one very much looking forward too, up till about Friday afternoon when the panic stated to set in.  I had the worst panic attack, over what I can only explain as nothing and yet it felt like everyth...

The misery continued, the spots grew, the sweating is immense and unbearable but today is not so bad. I didn’t  write yesterday because I had a really bad day, the worst so far and once again I didn’t want to write about it. Or relive it.   It has basically been so disgusting I have hid away at work and then driven straight home, barely remembering how I got there and hid away there.   The want of having a baby has always been in me, and only my nearest and dearest know just how much, I know to most I'm a crazy, happy person, often in a pub,behind the bar or in front of the bar, but all I ever wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother. To find out at 21 after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, this would be a struggle, |I felt empty. I was heart broken. Then to have another ectopic, then miscarriages, just a constant feel of utter uselessness. Then to go through such terrible hormones and periods every month, and not to even be able get the end resu...

So! Fairly uneventful weekend, apart from sickness, mood swings, hating on life and many movies and being a superhero. Friday evening was lovely, after work I popped to love Muffins house, Love muffin is the sister of Penfold. She has 2 beautiful little babies and it was lovely to spend time with them. I had been explaining to her how I was struggling with injecting in my belly as it hurt and bruised me. She had previously told me that I could inject into my leg. I was worried about doing this without guidance, so I had my jab with me, and asked her to show me. Love muffin went one better, she bloody did it for me, with ease, no sting, no pain. Was this the way forward? I could not believe the difference. The Beard came over to meet me, as Did Penfold and Smithers and we had a lovely evening. Saturday I woke feeling, let me just open one eye and see…..OK.  I was finally seeing my Superhairwizardess today and getting my grey covered and hopefully, that would make me feel better...

What a bloody beaut of an August Bank Holiday, normally by this last 3 day weekend of the year, we are all moaning the shops are replacing the bikinis with bobble hats but at the same time, grateful they are doing so as the weather is shit, but what a nice change to have summer weather, on a summer weekend, the last summer weekend. When I say nice, I mean it is for all you sun lovers, normally I love it too, but I honestly feel that in the last 48 hours I have experienced what it is like to be that shit clay vase I  made in year 8 with Mr Heaton and by that I mean I am pretty sure I have been at a similar temperature of a Kiln. I am sure that to anyone that has seen me this weekend, I must of looked like I had just stepped out of the shower. I mean I have, many a times, as the shower has become my second home, but never have I looked and felt so Hot, and I aint talking about 'sexy hot' (what even is that?).  So let me tell you about my overheated...

Well!! Last night was exciting! When I say exciting, I mean absolutely terrifying. Let me start  from where I left off  previously.  The day had been actually OK, I was the happiest I had felt in a long time, I felt content and my face hurt from smiling, I have to say it had been a long time since I had felt that naturally. I was not sure if this was a good thing or a sign of an impending melt down, but I went with it.  I went to work, I did my work, I had lots of lovely well wishes and messages, and one little conversation in particular from one of my most favorite people in the world, Niece number 2. Niece number 2 has recently become a mother herself, and boy has she taken to it wonderfully, her little boy is absolutely gorgeous, as is she and her hot partner, (I can say that right?) but She contacted me saying my blog made her feel......sick! I immediately apologised, but bless her heart, she went on to explain that it was only because she wanted it to work so ...

After writing down my thoughts in my first ever blog, being advised by a wonderful, beautiful lady ( who has an ass Beyonce would envy) I posted said blog, and the response was over whelming.  I was a little worried that it would be seen as attention seeking, but then, those that know me would not be surprised by that, however, this was certainly not the case.  This to me, has been something I have been dealing with for the best part of the last 18 months, from when we was advised we 'qualified'. Such a blunt word for such a testing, trying time, to me, of course I qualified, well I felt I did and that's all I could think about.  I had been through 2 ectopics, one nearly killing me before I made it to 21, miscarriage after miscarriage, and all I wanted was what everyone else around me seemed to have so easily, but after realising my ignorance at such a subject, I felt many things. I felt lucky, scared and ever so overwhe...