Bruises, Broken Hearts and a Huge Thank you



The last few days have been some what crazy. Ambulances, hospitals, positive tests then bad news. I did also go to The Zoo, the zoo was wonderful, and if anything made me smile this week, it was the zoo.  Because I will remember this week for the Zoo, not for all the shit.  It is with the saddest feeling in my stomach that I am writing this, but this was not our time. As I have said many times before, I write this to help me, to try to get all the feelings in my head out, because, anyone that knows me, knows I am a hot headed dick at times, but they also know I have a soft centre, a huge heart and right now it is breaking. Through this muddle, and this may come as a shock as I am a girl that likes to talk, I find it hard to say what I am thinking, so why I have been advised by a few to 'concentrate on me' 'forget the blog' but I cant. I need to get it out, I need to also let people know, as by choosing to be open about all this has reunited me with so many people who have become friends again, I have met new people, and the support both The Beard & I have received has been amazing. I feel I owe everyone who's been in a touch an update.

Yesterday we was told my pregnancy was failing, my hormone levels had dropped, which meant this was just not our time. I felt like I was in a storm, trapped in a tunnel, with the wind echoing all around me, because I have heard these words before, too many times and right now, I really didn't want to be hearing them again. No, not me, not us, not again. We have done everything we could, why? Why can everyone else around me do this but not me, not us? But these are not questions any DR can answer.

I'm struggling writing this and feel it is all rather nonsense, but portraying where my head is at right now.

With the risk of ectopic being high, and my previous history of ectopics, I have to go in tomorrow to be tested again and then get ready for the plan. I call it a plan as it makes it sound a bit better. It is in fact a drug that I  had exactly 2 years ago when this happened just after our wedding. A drug that is strong, chemotherapy drug. Horrible side effects and mentally soul destroying. last time it changed my hair, skin, my mind. BUT I got through it then, and I will get through it again.

Right now I am going to concentrate on Operation MEGA (making me great again.) Great to be round, better fitness, happier and healthier. I am continue to sit quite close to The Beard as he is alright! He is more than alright, he is the best. It is so hard as the man is often forgotten, but he has been through this with me. He has had my hormones to deal with, he has had me raging at him from hospital because he was asleep and I was not and unable to due to 3 mad women who snored louder than The Beard. He has had me sobbing in his arms, he has had the pain of losing another baby. So I keep apologising to him, which is driving him mad, but I feel I have let him down and I just say it then realise I am about to get told off.

My family and friends have been wonderful, We really are so grateful for all the calls, texts, flowers, singing, random cuddles in bed and zoo trips. We love you all and you know me well enough to know I may hide for a few days, I may snap, I may cry, but I will never stop loving you all.

Im going to eat haribo now and watch something funny, probably say it is not fair 190 times and probably shed a tear every once in a while. I am going to get through this, because I will. Simple.

Lots of love

STILL A Desperte Mummy To Be xxxxxx


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