Funerals, Farewells and feelings

So it has been a mad week. Emotions running high, patience growing thinner by the minute, the feeling of sadness is constantly glued to my insides and all the while I am trying to stay focused on the greater good. I thought by now I would be feeling different, happier even. I have started the Gonal F injections, so now I have to stick myself in my fat belly with 2 big ass needles, but I thought it would start to perk me up. If anything, the last 2 days, I  have felt worse.

Last Wednesday I left my job, my friends and my 9-5 sanity. Thursday I headed off with my pillow and snuggle blanket and sat in the back of a car for 7 hours as I travelled with The Beard and Big Brother to Glasgow for a funeral. The funeral was that of Uncle Davy. Uncle Davy was a true hero and legend of a man, a decorated war hero at 97 years old, we expected a small affair. Well we was wrong. 400 people, including 2 supporter busses from Celtic, being the oldest season ticket holder, he was well loved and respected. Although it was a sad day, it was also wonderful to see how loved someone can be when he has already himself said goodbye to some of his nearest and dearest. The emotions were high, I felt people would be wondering who that english woman was blubbing in the corner, but most of the people were actually family we had never met. We ate, greeted, drank and then Saturday I got back in the car and snuggled down for the drive home. As we left, I felt the twisted knot of sadness re appear and the closer we got to home the more it twisted, the more I felt nervous, panic setting in. This was odd, as all this time, my home has been my safe haven, but maybe it was because I was returning to where everything was related to this struggle. I hate sounding so negative, I really do, I  hate feeling like this as it really is not me. My eyes are sore from the tears and I see myself snapping at people over text, or being blunt and stand offish, and it just isn't me, but I am working on trying to balance it out so I can maybe stop myself from  being this way before I then realise I have been mean and get upset over it.

I can see why people say this journey can tear you apart, I am lucky that I have a good man beside me. So lucky. I have been awful to him, I have snapped at him, slammed doors in his face, and all this was before the treatment started, now you can times it by 100 and he is still firmly by my side. Today is our wedding anniversary and 2 years ago today I was at my home, slipping on my gown that my late mother had picked out for me and getting ready to leave behind G-Sack and become Mrs Leeke. That day was simply perfect, it seems so long ago but at the same time feels like it was yesterday.  I have to take those memories and relive them as, today is tough. I  have cried since I woke, no control, my head swimming, I have things in there I shouldn't, I have red eyes and mascara stained cheeks. I need to go out, but the thought of opening that door is all too much so I will sit and wait patiently for him to come home and let of a big sigh of relief and feel safe again. I really would be lost without him, so I really should try to stop being miserable today, today of all days.

My belly is concerning me, not only the ever expanding waistline, but the way it resembles a pin cushion. I have bruises, pin marks and just hate it, I have tried arnica cream, I have tried ignoring it, but I guess its all part of this journey which will hopefully all be worth it in the end.  Lets hope so

Lets also hope that next time I write I am less negative and miserable.

A Desperate Mummy to Be.

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