It Is OK to go Outside, It is OK to Cry

Well this is fun! Said no one ever on this dose of drugs I am sure! Since I last wrote, I think I have experienced every form of emotion, every expression from horror to sheer delight has past my face and every possible thought has run through my mind a thousand times. But Here I am today, Wednesday, HUMP day and I may have been forced into being OK as The Beard is down with Man Flu.  Poor old boy, hardly makes a fuss, I mean that is clear that is my role in this Marriage, I nailed that early on in our relationship and he knows the score, but when he grumbled of a sore throat Monday evening, whilst I laid in a massive blanket of self pity and selfishness, I realised he must be feeling it to mention it. He had a restless sleep, I had very little, and he left for work at 5.30am and to be honest, he looked bloody awful, I couldn't get back to sleep, I was hell bent on getting out of the house yesterday, I mean the day before had been a wash out, I cried, I screamed, I broke down to my BBF who  rocked up, even though I told him to stay away and I let all my fears and emotions go.

I think I spent all of Monday crying. my eyes were red, my need of getting my lovely lashes again from my lovely Local Therapist (Salon owner/friend) dashed, as honestly, she moans at me for not looking after them before these emotions, I honestly think I would be scared to present her with my face after the way I look at the moment. But one of my aims, which doesn't fit all to well with my 'no work' situ, is to get back in that salon and see her, because I need to feel prettiness and swear and moan to someone that provides both happiness and a bloody good ear.  So Yesterday, on waking, I was feeling a lot better than Monday, I showered, spent time on hair, slapped on some make up, then slapped on a bit more, then something that is nothing, but everything, threw me right of course and I found myself back in bed. NO! NO, NO, NO not doing this again. I AM BETTER THAN THIS. I dragged my self up again, found my loose clothing to cover my bloated belly and made arrangements to go and visit 2 off the cutest weenies I know. Now the creator and owner of these beauties is Love Muffin, the fine woman that helped me with my jabs early on, she is also sister to one of the Witches, Penfold, Penfold, I would like to thank you for sharing your delightful family with me, I publicly promise to not have too much fun with out you and I mean it, yesterday was well needed. Such little characters and an escape from my home and my village. Love Muffin is also a feeder, and I am very much looking to spend more time with them all, especially when my appetite is back, as right now this Gonal F has taken that away from me, as well as everything else I feel I have to give.

The Beard called me whilst I was round there and he sounded rough, I didn't let on to him but instead decided to nip to Tesco and get in supply's for his return. This was quite daunting, I mean so far I had been to home to home, but to go to such a big open public space where many people are mingling was quite a scary idea. I have never felt this un till this week, I think it is the not knowing when the tears are going to start falling and the feeling so fat, bloated, ugly and just shit that has made me hide. Anyway I did it, I didn't cry, I did nearly throw the barcode zapper a couple of times, and I  did consider hiding for a few minutes behind some toilet rolls, but I was in and out and on my way home before I knew it. Yay me! When I arrived home I cracked on with getting him some dinner ready and I did something I had not done for years. I baked! I made some cakes, and they tasted nice. I also really enjoyed it. Have I found something to occupy me these next couple of weeks. I then realised I had not cried for a good few hours. again Yay Me! So what did I do to celebrate this? Yep, I Cried. FFS I honestly laugh, like now, when I am OK, because I seriously sound like a mad women. I cant explain how odd it is to be like this, I mean I have always been outgoing, fun, I have also always been emotional and whiney but this is something else indeed.

The Beard come home, and boy did he look poorly, I went into 'pull yourself together G-Sack' mode and did what any wife would do. I provided him with all the essentials, some pills, a an of coke for sugar, an ice lolly to soothe his poorly throat and I made him a pompom to comfort. Yes! A pompom. I also brought some knitting needles and wool!!!! This is what I  have become.

I am still trying to be nurse today, whilst at the same timekeeping a sensible distance. A. Because I don't want to catch it as hospital on Friday and B. His 'Ill Farts' as he calls them are making me feel sick. If anyone wants to borrow hime for a day or two, you are more than welcome, I will provide cakes.

Lets hope that he feels better and between us we can nail Hump Day and be on our way to Friday before we know it.

Love a Desperate Mummy to Be xxxx