Burnt chicken, tears and a sense of achievment
After writing down my thoughts in my first ever blog, being advised by a wonderful, beautiful lady ( who has an ass Beyonce would envy) I posted said blog, and the response was over whelming.
I was a little worried that it would be seen as attention seeking, but then, those that know me would not be surprised by that, however, this was certainly not the case. This to me, has been something I have been dealing with for the best part of the last 18 months, from when we was advised we 'qualified'. Such a blunt word for such a testing, trying time, to me, of course I qualified, well I felt I did and that's all I could think about. I had been through 2 ectopics, one nearly killing me before I made it to 21, miscarriage after miscarriage, and all I wanted was what everyone else around me seemed to have so easily, but after realising my ignorance at such a subject, I felt many things. I felt lucky, scared and ever so overwhelmed, bit like my wedding day all again, and that was a bloody breeze.
I was concerned for The Beard. I mean after all, he was about to embark on a journey with a crazy woman, and yes he made me his wife, but I mean could he handle Crazy becoming full blow mentalist? There were wobbles along the way, specifically when we recently went to lazer quest with my Mini (Bestie) her her 2 children, on coming out he admitted to tripping up a child as 'he shot him' I mean is this man ready to be a parent, but then we was at lazer quest, were we both??? But He decided yes, I decided yes and there we were yesterday evening.
I will be totally honest, I used to think it was a little unfair, I have to have numerous injections, god knows how many internal scans (which always make me think I am on the set of Alien or some other space film) and then there is talk of a 'needle' in or around the 'vaginal wall' see why I cant bring myself to write that in a full sentence yeah? Exactly! The Beard, gets to pop along to a little clinic, in a comfortable room, presented with porn after porn and basically have a 'lovely time' Good for him! Bloody well done! But then after a melt down of mine last week, it occurred to me, hit me hard, he has to go through so much more. he has to put up with me!!! If we can get through this, what ever the outcome, I publicly declare, I will take him to nandos. I mean I hate nandos (no hate mail please) so that is a pretty big gesture.
Anyhoo. I DID IT! I went home and I actually filled up the syringe to the adequate measure, I then squirted the teeniest amount out (like the TV programmes and that) and then........ I had a major meltdown. it all started about 5.10pm, I started to feel sick, my wonderful boss advised me that it was probably the bit of icing I stole from some left over office cake, but I knew the feeling all too well. It was my anxiety, nerves and general feeling the world was about to come out of my ass, mouth and any other orifice. I drove home listening to, and ok, singing loud and badly too Moulin Rouges beautiful Come What May and by the time I pulled up, I was crying. Father in law was on the door step, I stopped crying. I made nervous small talk, stalling at entering the house where my future lies in medication, and then I had no choice but to go in. True me style, I faffed about, 'rootled' as my mum would say and then The Beard grabbed me, and said 'we can do this' I immediately pissed myself laughing as I knew at that exact moment he two was trying to be someone of the TV.
I wiped my ever so clammy hands and I whipped out the 'ingredients' like I was about to cook up a storm. The Beard was in fact cooking up a storm and preparing dinner and I would love to say at this point that I stuck it in me with the ease of a seamstress making her first stitch, but did I hell as like. I cried, I screamed, I basically became the baby we long for, I gave The Beard the syringe, swiftly taking it back after seeing the unnerving glint in his eye, I cried some more....Then after telling him to turn around, I did it. I instantly fell into his arms, cried some more for about a second then we fist pumped, he told me he was proud of me ( although the disappointment of not getting to stab me himself was all over his face) and I then noticed, I noticed throughout all of this. I'd burnt the bloody chicken that was cooking for tea.
Nephew number 3 came round for tea, laughed at the state of me resembling a very upset panda and I laughed with him. I felt OK. I actually felt relieved. We popped to our BBFs to take the infected foot some burnt chicken, told him about how it went, played some old school Sega games and went home and actually sat spending some time discussing going forward. I know there is going to be some shit times, possibly 35% of some really shit times, but I am also going to try to stay as positive about it as I can. We decided long ago we are a team, we shall remain a team, we shall fight (I will shout he will take it) but we will do this together, and with the support from all around us!
Thanks again for making a very nerve wracking day a whole lot easier for me.
watch this space for more crazy update, probably be after another few days of mental uncontrollable panic but I shall remain updating you all.
Lots of love
A Desperate mummy to be xxx
I was a little worried that it would be seen as attention seeking, but then, those that know me would not be surprised by that, however, this was certainly not the case. This to me, has been something I have been dealing with for the best part of the last 18 months, from when we was advised we 'qualified'. Such a blunt word for such a testing, trying time, to me, of course I qualified, well I felt I did and that's all I could think about. I had been through 2 ectopics, one nearly killing me before I made it to 21, miscarriage after miscarriage, and all I wanted was what everyone else around me seemed to have so easily, but after realising my ignorance at such a subject, I felt many things. I felt lucky, scared and ever so overwhelmed, bit like my wedding day all again, and that was a bloody breeze.
I was concerned for The Beard. I mean after all, he was about to embark on a journey with a crazy woman, and yes he made me his wife, but I mean could he handle Crazy becoming full blow mentalist? There were wobbles along the way, specifically when we recently went to lazer quest with my Mini (Bestie) her her 2 children, on coming out he admitted to tripping up a child as 'he shot him' I mean is this man ready to be a parent, but then we was at lazer quest, were we both??? But He decided yes, I decided yes and there we were yesterday evening.
I will be totally honest, I used to think it was a little unfair, I have to have numerous injections, god knows how many internal scans (which always make me think I am on the set of Alien or some other space film) and then there is talk of a 'needle' in or around the 'vaginal wall' see why I cant bring myself to write that in a full sentence yeah? Exactly! The Beard, gets to pop along to a little clinic, in a comfortable room, presented with porn after porn and basically have a 'lovely time' Good for him! Bloody well done! But then after a melt down of mine last week, it occurred to me, hit me hard, he has to go through so much more. he has to put up with me!!! If we can get through this, what ever the outcome, I publicly declare, I will take him to nandos. I mean I hate nandos (no hate mail please) so that is a pretty big gesture.
Anyhoo. I DID IT! I went home and I actually filled up the syringe to the adequate measure, I then squirted the teeniest amount out (like the TV programmes and that) and then........ I had a major meltdown. it all started about 5.10pm, I started to feel sick, my wonderful boss advised me that it was probably the bit of icing I stole from some left over office cake, but I knew the feeling all too well. It was my anxiety, nerves and general feeling the world was about to come out of my ass, mouth and any other orifice. I drove home listening to, and ok, singing loud and badly too Moulin Rouges beautiful Come What May and by the time I pulled up, I was crying. Father in law was on the door step, I stopped crying. I made nervous small talk, stalling at entering the house where my future lies in medication, and then I had no choice but to go in. True me style, I faffed about, 'rootled' as my mum would say and then The Beard grabbed me, and said 'we can do this' I immediately pissed myself laughing as I knew at that exact moment he two was trying to be someone of the TV.
I wiped my ever so clammy hands and I whipped out the 'ingredients' like I was about to cook up a storm. The Beard was in fact cooking up a storm and preparing dinner and I would love to say at this point that I stuck it in me with the ease of a seamstress making her first stitch, but did I hell as like. I cried, I screamed, I basically became the baby we long for, I gave The Beard the syringe, swiftly taking it back after seeing the unnerving glint in his eye, I cried some more....Then after telling him to turn around, I did it. I instantly fell into his arms, cried some more for about a second then we fist pumped, he told me he was proud of me ( although the disappointment of not getting to stab me himself was all over his face) and I then noticed, I noticed throughout all of this. I'd burnt the bloody chicken that was cooking for tea.
Nephew number 3 came round for tea, laughed at the state of me resembling a very upset panda and I laughed with him. I felt OK. I actually felt relieved. We popped to our BBFs to take the infected foot some burnt chicken, told him about how it went, played some old school Sega games and went home and actually sat spending some time discussing going forward. I know there is going to be some shit times, possibly 35% of some really shit times, but I am also going to try to stay as positive about it as I can. We decided long ago we are a team, we shall remain a team, we shall fight (I will shout he will take it) but we will do this together, and with the support from all around us!
Thanks again for making a very nerve wracking day a whole lot easier for me.
watch this space for more crazy update, probably be after another few days of mental uncontrollable panic but I shall remain updating you all.
Lots of love
A Desperate mummy to be xxx
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