Admitting my Feelings to myself, NHS No IVF, Massive Boobs and Severe Anger

The misery continued, the spots grew, the sweating is immense and unbearable but today is not so bad. I didn’t write yesterday because I had a really bad day, the worst so far and once again I didn’t want to write about it. Or relive it.   It has basically been so disgusting I have hid away at work and then driven straight home, barely remembering how I got there and hid away there.  

The want of having a baby has always been in me, and only my nearest and dearest know just how much, I know to most I'm a crazy, happy person, often in a pub,behind the bar or in front of the bar, but all I ever wanted to be growing up was a wife and a mother. To find out at 21 after a ruptured ectopic pregnancy, this would be a struggle, |I felt empty. I was heart broken. Then to have another ectopic, then miscarriages, just a constant feel of utter uselessness. Then to go through such terrible hormones and periods every month, and not to even be able get the end result that you go through all the pain and bleeding for, can be quite a massive impact on your mental health. It has over the years effected me more than I ever let on, and to have this opportunity completely thrills me, but also terrifies me and this week, with the recent Cut news, I think it has all come back to me just how much. 

The news this week that IVF funding in Cambridgeshire has finally been cut had an impact on my mood. As social media is always wonderful at doing, it produced some heartfelt comments from people that would no longer be given the help they needed, but it also produced some disgusting comments, absolutely disgusting comments, and even re-thinking about them have got my heart rate going. To give you an example ‘off to blue cross instead’ ‘’happy breeding’ ‘carry on firing blanks’ all from one women. Now I can be mean, very mean, but this is not a tin pot local debate page to bicker on about dog shit or what day the bins go out, this was national news, effecting many and you still get the utter dregs of society acting in this way. I was raging and by raging, I mean fighting the urge to let rip at this utter disgrace to the human race, normally I would be straight in there advising her of exactly what I thought, but I decided not only would I be best to stop reading it, I should probably also let someone else let rip for me. Enter the keyboard warrior of the Witches of Eastwick and I instantly felt better as she warriored (yes I know it is not a word but it works) away.

My Injections have been fine, it’s just the effects of them that have not. I am not used to being so miserable ALL OF THE TIME!! I am snappy, grumpy and unbearable for a good week every month, but this daily feeling is not my friend. Nor anyone else’s friend, hence why I have tried to stay away from people.

I am quite pleased with my new boobs, I will say that, I am getting rather attached to them, but they are so painful, this I am not so much a fan off, and The Beard doesn’t even get to come anywhere near me, so all round they seem a bit of a waste.

This menopause is bollocks, in a word, but I will continue to get through each day, because come hell or high water, I will give this my best shot and I will continue to ride it all out.  Because this will be our one and only shot and you got to put everything in to it right? All your eggs in one basket, so to speak!

Lots of Love

A Desperate Mummy to Be xxxxx