Darkness, Sickness and Being a Superhero - A Standard Weekend

So! Fairly uneventful weekend, apart from sickness, mood swings, hating on life and many movies and being a superhero. Friday evening was lovely, after work I popped to love Muffins house, Love muffin is the sister of Penfold. She has 2 beautiful little babies and it was lovely to spend time with them. I had been explaining to her how I was struggling with injecting in my belly as it hurt and bruised me. She had previously told me that I could inject into my leg. I was worried about doing this without guidance, so I had my jab with me, and asked her to show me. Love muffin went one better, she bloody did it for me, with ease, no sting, no pain. Was this the way forward? I could not believe the difference. The Beard came over to meet me, as Did Penfold and Smithers and we had a lovely evening.

Saturday I woke feeling, let me just open one eye and see…..OK.  I was finally seeing my Superhairwizardess today and getting my grey covered and hopefully, that would make me feel better, as waking up in front of 2 large mirrors each morning and seeing my fat, spotty, greasy self was not helping my moods. She worked wonders, and I left there feeling almost human again. During my time sitting there with colour on my roots, learning crisp facts, the Bbf text asking, ‘what are we doing for lunch’ We ended up arranging I would collect him afterwards and take him to a perfect little establishment that would suit his snobby middle-class expectations. I did good, we ate delicious food and he was happy. I realised I felt OK, that makes a change from miserable, I wouldn’t say I was happy, I felt like a had a million niggling questions in my head yet I did not know the answer. I arrived home, my new washing machine had arrived so I did some hard core adulting and ploughed through my endless washing pile. THIS MADE ME HAPPY. So, could the answer be to tackle this menopause be simply to do washing? This was short lived. I soon found myself sitting on the sofa crying at, of all things, Mumma Mia. Nik came home to find me in a state and we had a fairly childish Saturday evening in, I didn’t want to face people, my head was niggling, I was over heated and I felt sickie. I sat colouring in and drawing, I don’t recall much else, this dark fog is constantly obscuring my thoughts at present and I know if I could clear that, I could be happy. It is quite scary as over the past week I have literally got to places and realised I do not remember getting there at all.  But despite me constantly telling it to piss off, it just seems to be hanging around at the moment, like a really bad smell. I guess the good thing is, I know what to expect next time menopause comes around hey!

Sunday, I woke about 3am and found myself stumbling to the bathroom and hugging the toilet for dear life, everything was so lovely and cold to touch, I just wanted to lay there. When I was a little girl, if I felt poorly, mum would always find me on the cool bathroom floor. The Beard heard me throwing up and come to see if I was Ok, I informed him I was kind of OK and just to leave me there, but he stood patiently by the door, just to make sure I was OK. I thought it had stopped and slowly made it back to bed, three seconds later I’m back again. This is fun! I ended up asleep about 430am and at 8am I was awake. Today marked 15 years of mum gaining her angel wings. Going through this last couple of weeks has made me miss her more than ever, I do not honestly think you ever stop wanting you mum, her warm arms around you, sticking a manky old flannel on my head, making me drink rank Lucozade, I would give anything to have that now, I really would but I know she is with me every step of the way during this. She knitted a baby cardigan before she died, so one day my children would have a gift from nana. This keeps me going as I know that come hell or high water, that cardigan will get worn one day.

The Beard snoring beside me, I stuck the TV on and just decided that I was not going to leave my bed. I then remembered I had said I would cook a roast for my Mini, so off we went to Asda, already feeling this was a brave choice as I felt drained and on edge and I would have to face the tills. Luckily my fav assistant saw me, well saw Nik looking like he was crying out ‘Someone help me before my wife explodes’ she slipped the till onto a setting which must have been ‘crazy hormonal lady using tills’ setting and it was a breeze. I climbed back into bed soon as we got back, cried and laughed at films, and stayed there till my Mini arrived, in her jimjams and got straight into bed with me. Me and her can just be around each other effortlessly, we can sleep, watch tv, no awkward silences and the need to endlessly chat and still know each other cares. Yesterday we did that. I dragged myself out of bed, went downstairs and there I saw a sight I will not forget in a hurry. The Beard and Mini were standing by the open front door, instructing me there was a ‘massive’ spider. Now when it comes to spiders, it is me that must be the super hero and yesterday, armed with The Beards shoes on my feet, a baseball cap on and a hoover in hand, I saved the day! Tickers arrived, we laughed, we watched films and we had a lovely ‘Sit on your arse’ Sunday. We even decided that if im lucky enough to be in labour one day, Mini would create a playlidst and the baby would be born to the Jurassic Park theme tune. Do not ask! I am regretting this already, but just writing that has made me smile.  I was starting to think that this meant now that I could just about see the fog starting to clear. Then I woke up this morning, and Oh how wrong I was.

Lots of Love

A Desperate Mummy to Be xx