Friends, Feelings, A Public apology and the Ever Expanding Titties

Why do I write this? Why do I tell all and sundry how shit I am feeling? I do it because, believe it or not, it helps me. Writing down all the emotions I have been through and am constantly battling make a little more sense to me when I can get it out into words. It is not a 'oh woe is me; It is not a 'I am so hard done by, and if you think that, believe me, you do not know me at all, I love drama, I am the QUEEN of drama, but Not this. This is something I am dealing with because the end goal is to give me something I have always wanted and to make us a family. That is what keeps me going.

Funny thing emotions, especially when you can not get them out exactly how they are in your head. I have spent the last 24 hours pretending everything is fine, everything is better, when in actual fact I have had the biggest knot in my stomach, the constant feeling of sickness and sheer disbelief at how many people come forward and offer support and love, those near to you, those you see all the time, speak too, tend to take a back seat, mainly as they know I am a ticking time bomb and you take it out on those you love, but also because those near to you, you know are with you every step of the way and are there when you need them always. My Mini, who is a human, not my lady area, has been pushed right to the back, because she has her own struggle she is dealing with better than I ever could, and does not need me and my mental ways falling apart around her, so I try to reach out to her when I know it is safe for me to do so. The other day I managed to, and it was so good to actually be able to feel I could Facetime her and not lose the plot and crumble, I managed about 5 minutes on the phone, but those 5 minutes feel like a day and are so needed, I just want people to understand, I love you all, I am just a bit broken at the minute and I am sorry and promise to have you all round for loads of drinks and cakes to laugh about how shit and mental I have been once this shittest roller coaster ever stops!

To the people that reach out and just seem to know you need that little text of 'you ok' or a little nudge that have kept me going. Thank you. From offers of tea to offers of a womb, which was genuine and made me cry happy tears, all these people are helping in ways they will never know, both me and The Beard. To all you people. Thank you, keep going, I promise I will be back to normal soon. Well at least I bloody hope to be.

I have given in and delved into the internet, because I need to understand if this is normal. Surely the journey to something that potentially could be so wonderful should not make you feel like you want the world to stop so you can get off? It seems, it can. It seems I am in the small percent that take a massive hit of depression. I mean all the hormone changes, I get you will be a bit up and down, but this week has been something else. constant tears, sporadic rages, spots, bloating, headaches and ever growing, sore, uncomfortable tits! I have never had boobs before, boobs makes me laugh, such a childish word, I should say boobs more often as just typing it has perked me up,  so I find these sudden in my face boobs (lol) a little annoying and fat!! All the while my head is telling me 'its just the drugs', my heart is telling me 'keep going, you have come this far and this is what you long for' my body, my body is saying BACK OFF, QUIT. I feel like I am stranded at a big ass roundabout and I have the choice of staying in the middle, continuing to feel shit, but to ride it out till the fog clears and I can see where to go, or take the misty road now and pay the regret later.

The Beard being poorly took away my self attention, I focused on being upbeat and a good wife, I was not used to either of those, especially the upbeat part. He really was suffering so I kept him dosed up and stayed close, yet not close as the last thing I wanted was to feel ill. I can barely cope as it is let alone with the added illness. I decided I needed to bake more cakes, but this meant venturing out, to a shop, with actual people. I slapped on some face, I went out, I bit my lip hard and hurried home. I kept waiting for a call, a familiar call I once got daily, usually babblings of rubbish, talk of trifle, I do love Trifle, but it never came, it makes me feel so lonely and so sad that I have pushed people away, but I am my own worst enemy as I am too stubborn to make that call myself, but again i guess i am just trying to say sorry!  I was OK, I done it. I had plans to visit the Super Hair Wizardess and her brood of beauties later yesterday, but with The Beards Illness, and my ever growing headache, I just wanted to go to bed. I text her, knowing she would understand and spent the rest of the day milling about aimlessly, selling my beloved make-up collection, which I know I will regret and just feeling meh! I had an 'up' as I call them about 9pm, I get a sudden woosh of energy and clarity and I picked up the phone and started texting Super Hair women and felt much better that A. She wasn't upset I had let her down and cancelled and B. Because we made plans for the weekend which involve wellingtons and mud. Its the little things that worry me, the fear of snapping at those I love, or breaking down in a public place over something ridiculous like the cheese was facing the wrong way (That would happen) I made all these cakes yesterday and had plans to deliver them to my nearest and dearest, but they still sit here, yet I will continue to make more and aim to actually get them to those they are intended for.

I have not yet been out today, I am shortly, I am waiting to get picked up and spend some time with someone I love more than I can explain because they get me, they know me better than most, even when they were 100s and 100s miles away, they always knew when to get in touch, so I am looking forward at not having to pretend to be OK, by that I mean I think I will actually be Ok. I have already lost it once today, not much remains on my dressing table, the smallest things seem like the greatest problems, but it can only get better right?

Lots of love

A Desperate mummy to Be xxxx