Life changes, Misery, Good News and Happiness - In that order

Sorry I have been quiet for a few days. It has been testing and miserable, and I just have kept myself to myself!

Friday, I was off work, had a nice day planned, ended up doing none of it and being ill all day and night, joy. So that was a waste of a day’s holiday, although that is irrelevant now as it turns out tomorrow is my last day in my job anyway. I have been in my role a year and a bit, I love my job, love the guys I work with and I am going to be very sad to go, but I decided to take that option, as the stress and changes would not be right for my current, emotionally unstable mind and right now it is all about me and operation baby Leeke.

 So Back to the weekend, Saturday was The Beautiful Niece Number one’s baby shower. An event planned for weeks, and one very much looking forward too, up till about Friday afternoon when the panic stated to set in.  I had the worst panic attack, over what I can only explain as nothing and yet it felt like everything. Anyway, Saturday arrived, I went along to my favourite Little sanctuary where the Pretty Vickster sorted out my destressed do, I then prepared to go along to the shower. The preparation consisted of sitting on my sofa, eating and getting stressed over the afternoon. I got changed, slapped A LOT of make-up on and headed over. It was lovely, so many people, a few beautiful babies, lots of questions. I grabbed my niece and advised her that if I made a quick exit, please do not take it to heart, she is wonderful and completely understood. I left not long after.  I felt so sad that I could not stay, again I cannot really explain why, but I am just struggling around people, I have always been a people person but the last week or so has completely turned that around for me.

The rest of the weekend went very much the same, I stayed wrapped up in a Disney cocoon, the best of all the cocoons and I hid. Hid in a solitary of my own misery so not to pass it on and I struggled on towards Monday.

Monday was a day of tears, tears and more tears. The Job news, the nervousness about hospital looming on Tuesday and just no motivation and function, only to sit there and cry, cry hard. This is what I find so difficult. One of my work colleagues said last week how she missed me being the life and soul, I MISSED THAT ME, but I had to stay positive, throughout all the bad days I have to think that I am strong enough and I can do this, else I think I would be in a padded cell by now. My main issue is frustration, as I feel my whole persona has changed. BUT this is all for the greater good and this is our one shot, for that reason, I keep going.

Today I woke, I felt lighter, I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders and I was even feeling positive about this morning’s hospital visit.  Off we went, medication in hand, as I have managed to convince myself I am going to run out. Yes of course I was stupid and I won’t run out, the lovely nurses informed me of this and I felt stupid but relieved. We got to the beautiful Bourne Clinic early, as always, the staff put me right at ease and sent us off with our visitor passes. You need these passes to get through the doors to outpatients. This, this next few sentences, is WHY I MARRIED MY HUSBAND. We are on our way to the scanning department and The Beard says, as I use my pass to gain us entry. “This place is amazing isn’t it babe” I agreed, I said it’s so relaxing, beautiful grounds…I was about to continue when he interrupts with “what I meant is it is really cool swiping yourself in because it makes me feel like I am a real-life Doctor” God love that man. I laughed and I had to admit, I did agree. We got to where we were going, was taken straight through where I had to undress from the waist down, get onto a chair and put my feet up. Glorious view there for The Beard, who just sat there beaming at the fact, once again he had to do nothing. The nurse was great. Talked to me, relaxed me, Scanned me. Now I have had internal scan before, but this was something quite different. She took the time to show me my insides, describe my ovaries too me, Re assure me it was my ovary and not an alien and was just really informative and caring. It was a good visit. My ovaries are empty, many follicles in each, the right slightly more. My womb was perfectly where it should be and all seemed to be going extremely well.

This news was great. That weight lifted from me, was lifted once again.

So now my smile is back, my happiness has hung around for more than 20 minutes and I know that we have a really, really long way to go, but all in all, we are going the right way!

Tomorrow will be sad saying goodbye to everyone, but I shall definitely pop in and see them time to time and then Thursday I’m off to Scotland. In a car. With The Beard and my Big Brother. I will be taking my meds in a cold bag as we are driving and probably some ear plugs as I am pretty sure it will be football talk all the way.

Catch up soon.

A Desperate Mummy To Be xxxxx